Star Magazine has “The Kinky Photos That Angelina Prayed Her Children Would Never See!” Obviously, this is shocking. As in, I’d be shocked if Angelina Jolie actually worried about that. I mean, Gia is on like every two weeks on cable. Remember when she spent that whole movie playing a nudist heroin addict? She was naked so much that I’m sort of surprised that the cover of the DVD isn’t her, naked and shooting heroin. But these are SO. MUCH. WILDER. According to the investigative journalists at Star, they contain:

  1. Angelina, with nothing but black tape covering her nipples.
  2. Angelina with a bondage strap around her neck
  3. Angelina in nothing but a thong and cowboy hat.
  4. Angelina engaging in an extraterrestrial gang-bang

No, I made up the last one (but remember to tell us your favorite alien!) But I only made it up because I’m so sure that she really wouldn’t give a shit about the other ones. Honestly, I’m always sort of curious why these magazines never have titles that say “Look, Angelina Jolie, Naked as a Jaybird!” Because isn’t that why people are buying them anyway? That’s why I buy them. Because I keep hoping for an extraterrestrial gang-bang.

Really, I mean, nobody actually believes this stuff, right? Right?