Women are frequently told by sex-advice columnists that when we don’t feel like having sex, the cure (because it should be cured, you frigid harpy!) is to…wait for it…have sex. The more sex you have, they say, the more you will want to have sex. Use it or lose it. Give him a few minutes to warm you up. Rev the engine. Oil the hinges. Moisten the entryway. Et cetera.

The latest publication to jump on the fuck-so-you-want-to-fuck-more bandwagon is none other than Forbes magazine. In case you didn’t know, Forbes usually dispenses financial advice.

Anyway, look. It’s possible that there is some sort of physiological explanation behind this commonly-given advice, but I’ve certainly never read it, and I’ve read more than my fair share of the “have more sex to have more sex” story.

So I wonder, what would the same kind of advice look like if it appeared in a men’s magazine? Perhaps it would read something like this… (cue dream sequence)

How to Be Happy With Less Sex: Have Less Sex!
If you’re like a lot of men, your wife or girlfriend almost never wants to have sex with you. No matter how many times you grab her tits while watching TV or rub your morning wood against her back, she just doesn’t seem to warm up to your advances.

In fact, between work, watching football, and clocking the obligatory hour with your girlfriend’s friends, not having sex has become just another item on many men’s to-do lists — something we feel like we have to do in order to please our wives or girlfriends.

Well, that needn’t be the case, says sex expert Bruce Johnson**. In fact, he says, there’s an easy way around this problem.

“Every time you want to have sex,” says Johnson, “don’t.”

By ignoring what your body is telling you and stifling your natural urges, eventually you’ll notice that your sex drive is almost completely gone — much to your girlfriend’s delight.

“The amazing thing about the human body is it’s ability to acclimate,” said Johnson, who is the author of several books, including Third-Wave Feminists: Hard To Trick and Your Wife: Not Like Other Problems. “The less you have sex, the less you want it.”

How to achieve the seemingly impossible? Here are some tips (but just the tip! LOL):

You and your girlfriend are sitting on the couch watching TV. During commercials, all you can do is stare at her funbags. You start to lean into them with your tongue out while she’s not paying attention — the same way you always do foreplay.

That’s when you notice that she’s not going to respond.

Rather than keep trying to get her to fuck you even though she clearly isn’t in the mood, suggests Johnson, relax and give your sexual urges a few minutes to attune themselves to hers.

“I began to notice that the more I tried to align my desire with my wife’s lack of desire, the less interested in sex I became,” said John*, 34, a physician in New York. “Now, we don’t have sex almost six days a week. Our relationship — and our sex life! — is so much better.”

Sam*, 29, a construction worker in Brooklyn, had a similar experience with his girlfriend of 4 years.

“I would always try to slip it in while we were falling asleep,” he said. “Now, I just lie there and count to twenty with a handful of ice on my dick. My girlfriend is so relieved that we’re getting in sync that last night she gave me a Hallmark card! So much better than sex.”

Getting your body to feel something that it doesn’t feel on it’s own won’t be easy at first. But relationships take work — and learning how to not want sex is another piece of it. And after a while, who knows — you might be the one turning her down!

*Names have been changed.
**Some names were made up altogether.