Cindy Lauper knew how to have fun!

Cindy Lauper knew how to have fun!

Are you a party girl? A coke whore? Do you think it’s fun to flash your boobs at the drop of a hat? A professional slut? If you are any of these things, you’re disgusting, vile and you will never ever get married. No one wants your slutty, coke whoring ways, you guys.

Sigh.

Some offensive website called EliteDaily has everything figured out when it comes to who’s getting married and who isn’t. And I can tell you right now, the aforementioned groups of women will not be walking down the aisle anytime soon or, more accurately, ever.

When I stumbled across the article entitled The Girls Who Are Never Getting Married that someone had posted on Facebook, I originally thought it absolutely had to be a joke. The girls, of which the writer (who’s a woman named Ally Batista) covers, seem to be the lowest of the low, at least in her opinion, and are the very type of women who will never find a man to love them. Of course, we can thank social media for this, because, according to Batista:

With each passing day we see the institution of marriage and a promising relationship becoming a distant memory. Females are so caught up in the party lifestyle that they’re forgetting that one day no one is going to actually want them when it matters.

With social networking sites tracking and documenting your every move, these girls are screwed and most likely never getting married.

She then proceeds to list women who fall into these specific categories.

Coke Whores.
Yes, you’re beautiful and a size zero but that’s because you only drink Diet Coke, Grey Goose, and snort cocaine. You frequent clubs in the hopes that you’ll find a table of wealthy young business men willing to let you have as much of their drugs as possible, as long as you give them something in return.

Models.
These girls are emotionally unstable, almost definitely have an eating disorder of some sort, and are willing to do anything to get jobs or keep their size -0 figure.

EDM Girls.
This fucking girl. This girl could actually fall under the ‘Coke Whore’ category because she also whores herself out for drugs.

Batista then proceeds to pass judgement on Video Vixens, The Princess and The Liar — each time dropping the words “bitch,” “slut,” and “whore.”

If it’s satire, I’ve missed it. If this is really how Batista feels about the women of her generation then, well, that sucks and she’s really making herself look like an asshole who has some serious issues with her gender. But like I said, maybe it’s a form of satire I’ve missed, or maybe she needs a lesson in what satire is supposed to be?

Photo: YouTube