I’m engaged, you guys. Can you believe it? Yeah, me neither. It’s seems so, well, not me. Marriage? That’s something that other people do; not me. I’m a special snowflake. I wasn’t going to “sell out,” as I’ve referred to marriage easily ten thousand times in my life. I was going to be different.
Breaking news: I’m not a special snowflake.
The title is a bit misleading. If we were to gather up all the articles and posts I’ve done dissing the whole marriage thing, we wouldn’t get an exact number. I think “15+” seems fair. Between the handful of sites for which I write, I’ve been fairly outspoken about my views on marriage, babies and the whole conventional love thing in general. Have I ever written an article entitled “I Hate Marriage?” No. But I have written multiple pieces in which I expressed my doubt, and sometimes even disdain for the institution of it. The word “ignorance,” is ringing in my ear right now.
There was the time I wrote about my sister giving up on her dreams of writing to be a wife and stay-at-home mom. This, looking back, wasn’t just dissing her, but anyone at all who had made that choice– and you guys let me have it in the comment section. Because, well, you always do.
I also expressed my grief in no longer being a priority in the lives of those around me. Of course this shift in priorties was blamed on my married friends, their need to procreate, and then eventually making a baby and forgetting about me. WHAT ABOUT ME, YOU GUYS? Comments on that one were split; some of you got it, and some of you rolled your eyes and declared me selfish. Both sentiments were right.
I lamented change in my relationships with my friends because of their marriages. I championed being single, admitted how much I suck as a girlfriend, and even found solace in the words of women who favored being a mistress to being a wife. I assumed that all I really deserved was to be the “other” woman; I never thought of myself as “marriage material.”
Who’d want to put up with my bullshit? Who would be that fucking bat shit crazy? How could I put up with THEM? Do you get a lifetime supply of cupcakes if you do get married?
I settled into the acceptance that I was, absolutely, positively, a woman who’d live a life sans marriage. It was fine. Marriage has never been high on my list of priorities, and for it to not happen, I wasn’t going to pull some Miss Havisham type shit, and stop the clocks at twenty minutes to nine.
Since first writing for The Gloss in 2010, I’ve put all my cards on the table when it came to my struggles with pretty much everything. I never steered away from any topic, and was more than happy to share my dating woes in our Dating Hijinks series. And, of course, how can we forget Swede? The man who, had it not been for him breaking my heart, I would not be engaged today. (Someone send that dude a box of chocolates!) Sharing with you, dear readers, was always the best.
While looking back through 90% of my articles last night to pull out key ones for this post, I can see a transformation in me. I’m no longer mourning the loss of things I can’t change, but instead making peace with them. I’m writing break-up letters to my 21-year-old self, and seeing life with new eyes. These are, and I hate to say it, the eyes of both love and maturity. (Dude. It’s just as hard for me to write those words, as it is for you to read them.)
I have softened, my shell has been split right open and I’m a bumbling in love fool. I’m in love. I’m really in love; and all my wasted breath trying to declare myself as “better” or even “above” the conventionality of marriage is hogwash.
As I wrote for The Frisky yesterday, when you know, you know, and you can’t argue that type of logic that really isn’t very logical at all, because being in love kinda makes you a bit wonky. It may sound rather gibberish in it’s execution of words, but you know what I mean.
So, yes, here I am, years of denial and eye-rolling at marriage now in past, as an engaged woman.
I’m excited, scared, nervous, delighted and feeling kinda stoned, too. I’ve learned that sometimes when it comes to things of which you know nothing about, as in my case, marriage, maybe you should just shut up and listen instead. Having to endure the “I Told You So,” song at maximum level from all my friends and family who “knew” I’d eventually give this whole marriage thing a whirl isn’t fun at all. I prefer it when I’m the one who’s gloating.
Photo: Your Wedding Gift Box