Since the discovery of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s lovechild, pundits on every side of the political spectrum have been falling over themselves to comment on the situation. A common topic for debate is why men in power cheat, and one voice that has recently clamored into the fray is that of Jeffrey Kluger, senior editor at Time Magazine.

Kluger opines:

“Human males have never been thought of as models of sexual restraint — and with good reason. From the moment the adolescent libido begins to boot up, boys seem to enter an ongoing state of emotional — if not literal — priapism, from which they never fully emerge.

As far as nature is concerned, this is just fine. The goal of any organism, after all, is to ensure the survival and propagation of its genes, and males — far more so than females — are eminently equipped to do that. Even the world’s most reproductively prolific mothers rarely produce more than eight or nine children in a lifetime. Males can conceive everyday, even multiple times a day, and come emotionally hardwired to do just that.

Part of the reason they don’t, apart from the impracticality of trying to raise a brood of 200 children, is that they just don’t get that many mating opportunities. Sex requires a willing partner, and females, with so much more on the line in terms of the time, effort and energy that pregnancy and child-rearing involve, can be extremely selective in choosing mates. That requires males to develop a whole suite of emotional muscles — self-denial, self-restraint, a facility for delayed gratification — that will help them cope with an appetite that at some levels will never be fully satisfied. And that, in turn, is a central pillar of monogamy and fidelity.”

You know what? I’m fucking tired of hearing about how haaaaard it is for men to be monogamous, how much they have to wreeeeeeestle internally with their biology, which is begging them to procreate all day, every day! Honestly? STFU, men who subscribe to this line of thinking. Just STFU.

Because here’s the thing. Unless you’re with a particularly manipulative woman — which some of you are, but it takes two to tango, so why are you with her in the first place? — you enter into monogamy willingly. There has to be something in it for you, and we all know that suggesting that it’s the only way that you’d ever get laid is simply not true. Plenty of women like to fuck, and plenty would have sex because they want a child, and wouldn’t care whether you stuck around afterward or not. If all you really want to do is spread your seed willy-nilly, that opportunity exists.

So there must be something else in it for men, mustn’t there? First of all, men are as tied to convention as women are, and are expected to settle down and start a family at some point. And as far as I can tell, the men that I know that are partnered off are pretty fucking happy. Since most of them want to be satisfied in ways that involve more than just sticking their dicks into holes, they are happy to have someone to talk to, someone to come home to, someone to build a household with, someone to trust, someone to have their back, and all the other wonderful things that the women in their lives provide besides the ball and chain implicit in Kruger’s explanation of male sexuality.

Second of all, if not for monogamy, you’d be faced with constantly evaluating where you fall on the biological spectrum of desirability. All those women who are DTF? Some would get with you, and some wouldn’t. So in fact, it’s monogamy itself that even allows for your precious “if it weren’t for these daggone coping skills I’m forced to practice, I’d be out boning every woman in the world!” fantasy to flourish.

So here’s my suggestion to men. If you don’t want to be monogamous, don’t enter into a monogamous relationship. It’s pretty simple. And if you do want to, then do it, and honor your commitment, and stop bitching about how mother nature dictates that you be with so many more women than the one you’re with. I mean, I could say something here about how mother nature dictates that women be with somebody richer than you, taller than you, and with less propensity for heart disease than you. But I won’t, because I’m more thoughtful than that.

(Photo: Getty)