It’s an oft repeated maxim in our culture that power is sexy. However, in recent years the twin allures of looks and celebrity have threatened to surpass that of political achievement in terms of Net Groupie Attracting Ability (NGAA) for our male public figures. To examine this shift in greater sociological detail, I’ve constructed a “Who’d You Rather” for the ages in which 20th US president James Garfield must compete against two other great Garfields: Andrew, and The Cat.
Here are some things to consider before voting.
That majestic bearded fellow on the left is 20th US president James A. Garfield. In addition to energizing our country’s naval power and expanding executive privilege, he fought corruption in the Post Office Department. He was born in a log cabin to a poor mother of Welsh ancestry, who remarked of him that “he was the largest babe I had and looked like a red Irishman.” His 1881 assassination cut his presidency short, but he still managed to break an unconfirmed number of hearts in the short 200 days he was in office.
That adorable noodle on the right is actor Andrew Garfield, who won many accolades for his portrayal of Facebook co-creator Eduardo Saverin in David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin‘s critically acclaimed film The Social Network. He also plays the title role in the upcoming remake The Amazing Spider-Man, continuing the Spiderman series’ time honored tradition of having slender young things bulk up with CGI muscles. He’s known around Hollywood for his small, wispy mustaches and is rumored to be dating actress Emma Stone.
That lovable guy in the middle is Garfield The Cat, but you knew that already. Since his first public appearance in 1978, he has won many hearts and minds with his sarcastic quips, love of lasagna, and total disregard for nutrition and exercise. His hobbies include fucking with Jon Arbuckle, fucking with Odie, and snuggling with his teddy bear, Pooky. He also enjoys the occasional mailman mauling. Bad boys, amirite ladies?