I know I am very late to the “My Crush” game, but I have just received some very significant news: Jason Segel is single. I am bummed that he and Michelle Williams didn’t work out because she is exceptionally lovely and they made an adorable couple. Nevertheless, it allowed to daydream briefly about what it would be like if Mr. Segel were to randomly

For the record, I am a very sane person who fully realizes she will never date a celebrity. I am realistic — well, pessimistic, but they’re practically the same thing — and have no genuine expectations to somehow pursue a famous person and have him or her suddenly want to bang and/or love me forevs. I like being a non-celebrity. I like not having a lot of people pay attention to me. I like it, and it will probably stay that way regardless of whether I like it, anyway.


I have the fattest crush on Jason Segel. I have since I watched Freaks & Geeks as a kid and it has sustained itself steadily into my adulthood. I recall seeing him as stoner “freak” Nick Andopolis and wondering if he was really that awkward in real life, and if he was, maybe he and I could be friends because I was extremely awkward. (Actually, I still am, but shhhh.) I found his comfortable weirdness so attractive — it’s a actually trait that is still incredibly appealing to me in a companion, as I have always been told by people I date that I am very peculiar, but they seemed to like it decently enough and I feel like I work best with similar folks.

His stardom rise was a bit slow, but not in a bad way. More in that way that Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s career was a bit slow because he chose roles wisely, thereby ensuring he could avoid the deal of Shane West/Chad Michael Murray/other former hotties you literally never hear about nowadays after their quick trip to Celebrity Island.

Oh, and he did full-frontal nudity in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And I liked it.

I don’t think you guys wanna see Segel hang dong on The Gloss so here’s this Vanity Fair picture instead.

And then…then came The Muppets.

Oh, oh, oh, The Muppets. I was in Oakland with my ex for Thanksgiving when we decided to see it at a local theater. Up until then, my fondness for Jason Segel, while still very existent, had been placed on a back burner since I hadn’t seen a ton of his stuff for a while. But as we sat in those big red velvet seats and the film began to play, within about fifteen minutes, I was blushing so much that my then-boyfriend thought I was getting sick. (To be fair, I turn very red when I eat movie theater candy, as its size overwhelms me.)

Honestly, I hate theater kids. They make me nervous. They’re one of the reasons I quit singing opera, and they kind of tend to ruin things. But Jason Segel is not some douchebag theater kid who runs around singing songs from “Spring Awakening” and wonders why you avoid him; he is just plain wonderful (well, wonderful-seeming, obviously I have no real life context but indulge me, people). His renewal of the Muppets franchise was necessary, beautiful and incredibly well-executed. Plus, anything that will get my nieces and nephews (and future kids) to watch stuff with Kermit and the gang in it is a fantastic thing in my eyes, as it’s one of my absolute favorites from childhood.


On a completely different note, he also has been notably private in his relationships. I feel like one of the weirdest things about about “normal” people dating celebrities is how ridiculous the sudden onslaught of paparazzi must be. A female friend of mine recently started dating a female celebrity, and though that particular famous person is not somebody in tons of big movies and rarely seems to be in the public eye, I have literally seen three sets of photos today from gossip sites on the pair (lesbians are extra hip in the eyes of tabloids, maybe?). As somebody who has to be crazy drunk to even consider singing something other than “Say My Name” with a group for karaoke, I think being thrust into the dating life of somebody like, say, Taylor Swift sounds fucking terrifying.

All in all, I think we would make an excellent pairing, or so says my daydreaming mentality. We could sing in the car to Muppets songs and eat cupcakes messily! When I eventually dye my hair back to blue, it could match his blue suits! Also, I have a feeling he is the type that would be willing to get drunk and watch Archer with me whenever I am in a bad mood, and this is a deciding factor in my dating life.

Again, I am seriously not one of those very unrealistic, very weird people who thinks she’s gonna date a celebrity someday. This is just my own goofy famous person crush that I felt strangely compelled to share with you all. I enjoy my normal dating life and I am very happy with it. That said: Jason Segel, will you go to adult prom with me?

This is my "prom" face, BTW.

This is my very awkward “prom” face, BTW.

Photos: Bizu/, Walt Disney & Vanity Fair.