johnny depp sexy

Johnny Depp is single now! Everyone is thrilled right!? Not me, I hate everything.

I remember realizing at 15 that, when asked what movie stars you found sexy, you were really not supposed to say “Jeremy Irons.” Not a lot of people love Brideshead. Fine. The correct answer was always Johnny Depp. When I did that teenage girl thing where you discuss movie stars you found attractive I always replied, instinctively, as you know to say “fine” when people ask you how you are, “Johnny Depp.” I just never figured out why. I mean, I knew why I was saying that (because teenage years are terrifying, and teenage girls are ruthlessly attuned to any sign of weirdness!) but I couldn’t figure out why that was the correct answer.

Look, I really like Johnny Depp as an actor. I think he is a brilliant actor, who is especially excellent at playing oddballs. I think Don Juan DeMarco is a very romantic, touching movie. I would like to be friends with Edward Scissorhands! And wow, in The Libertine did Johnny Depp ever play the Earl of Rochester as though he, Johnny Depp, actually had syphilis. As though his nose was just about to fall right off. And no one can play a drunken pirate like Johnny Depp can.

The thing is, I just have this strong suspicion that trying to have a relationship with Johnny Depp would be like trying to have a relationship with a drunken pirate.

I think the above picture kind of sums up everything that would unnerve me about that prospect – even though he looks great. Namely, that you would try to have a conversation about something reasonably straightforward with him, and he would begin playing the piano and then smoking and then say something like “do you want to go skydiving in Cuba? Let’s take some ether and go.” And you would reply “no, I wanted to talk about whether or not we should make pasta for dinner.”

Okay, maybe that is exactly why Johnny Depp is considered sexy. Because he seems like he is wildly unpredictable and slightly manic, all the time. Admittedly, I’m only basing that off of every role he’s ever played and every interview he has ever given.

But whenever I think about what that would actually be like, it doesn’t feel sexy, it feels really, really stressful. That kind of crazy energy seems like it would never allow me enough time to relax in the way you need to to feel attracted to someone. Meanwhile, I can pretty easily picture, say, young Jeremy Irons making a bowl of gnocchi while I uncork wine, which is a much more “I could feel comfortableand really enjoy sex with this person” scenario in my brain.

Basically, this post could really be entitled “I hate things that are exciting, no surprise parties ever, please.” But yes, basically the fact that Johnny Depp’s energy seems cranked up – on a scale of 1 to 10 – to 73 all the time is a tremendous turn-off for me. Too much energy, not enough capacity to sit still and be slightly brooding an attractive for a while. Maybe that’s because to my mind it’s sexier to be able to sit quietly with someone for a while, reading or listening to music or, especially having a conversation where 7 different facial tics are not occurring all at once. I think, as Johnny Depp said in Alice and Wonderland, he just always strikes me as a bit too much muchness.

That, and I can never imagine him without tremendous amounts of eyeliner.

So. That is why I don’t find Johnny Depp sexy. Mystery solved! Feel free to explain why he is terrifically sexy, and I am terrifically wrong. Shame me like we’re all 15 again, it’ll make me feel so young.