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Katy Perry and John Mayer have allegedly ended their tour of public displays of affection, according to a “source close to the pair” who spoke to E! News. According to this human, Perry was the one to end the relationship, probably disappearing in a cloud of cotton candy smoke and leaving Mayer alone with his guitar in a room full of fedoras.

You’ll remember that Perry and Mayer hit us over the head with their romance, giving gushing, awkward interviews, staging a bizarre photo shoot featuring turtlenecks, and recording a sappy duet called “Who You Love.” If you woke up and turned on your computer at any time during the last few months, you were hit over the head with their love story. Rest assured that you can get back to reading weird erotica or doing whatever you normally do online, since the greatest love story ever told has come to an end.

It should be noted that I am one of those people who takes celebrity break ups really personally, and I’m still not over that whole Rachel McAdams/Ryan Gosling fiasco. I don’t like seeing people I love (unfortunately, celebrities) experience heartbreak. But when it comes to John Mayer, I just feel like I’m out of chances with him. Hasn’t anyone listened to Taylor Swift‘s “Dear John” recently? John Mayer simply does not deserve the benefit of the doubt at this point.

Oh well, Katy. Onward and upward, I always say. And given that she’s coming off of dating John Mayer, I think that “upward” won’t be a difficult target to hit. If John Mayer is any one thing, he’s a low bar.

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