kristen stewart rob pattinson

Oh, I think cheating on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders was a shitty thing she did, I’m just not sure why we’re issuing public apologies.

Kristen Stewart released a statement to People Magazine saying:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Kristen Stewart. You were not married to him. You are not the first person who has been presented with an opportunity to cheat on their boyfriend. Remember what Don Draper said to that stewardess who wanted sleep with him because she said “I’m getting married soon – this might be my last chance.” Don said “you’ll get lots of chances.”

No? You don’t remember that, Kristen Stewart? Okay, do you remember that this situation arose for your character in Adventureland? Yes? And it was handled privately, because she was young, and not married and there was no need to turn it into an unnecessarily big deal with statements to People magazine. There is no need for a public apology. There is a need to say only very quietly, in private, “I really fucked up.” To your boyfriend. Who you just acknowledged was your boyfriend. Up until now Stewart has only said “my boyfriend is English.”

I mean, I’ll admit I am tempted to care about this because I can already see the Newsroom script where Will McAvoy decides that every woman who cares about Kristen Stewart’s break-up is a bitch, but still. Still. This is not something Kristen Stewart needs to talk about? Why? Becuase of private lives. Private lives! Private lives!

This!

Seriously, Kristen Stewart, this is one of the rare opportunities in life where the actual appropriate response is just to stare at reporters, unsmiling. And you’re so good at that! This was the time, Kristen! This was the time for all of your frowning skills to come into play and be useful. Instead, you are just issuing unnecessary apologies.

I understand that, on the upside, whether you were thinking about this or not, it is a way to keep your name and Robert Pattinson’s names in the news in between Twilight movies, but it is a way that will make Twilight fans furious. In conclusion, I’m going to go away, and watch Norma Shearer movies, and dream of a time when people did not feel a need to reveal every single aspect of their entire lives to everyone. That is what I will do. Goodbye forever, Kristen Stewart.

Oh, she’s only 22? She’s only 22. Oh, okay. Just in the future, private lives are a great thing to keep private. Okay? Okay, good.

Pic via Frank Micelotta/PictureGroup