The most horrifying thing we’ve read today comes to us courtesy of Liz Jones, who stole her boyfriend’s sperm. Don’t worry, it’s something most ladies do! What? Why? How? Here is why and how:

Because he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals.

The ‘theft’ itself was alarmingly easy to carry out. One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo.

We seriously object the use of the phrase “did what I had to do” as though this was somehow comparable to stealing a loaf of bread so your family wouldn’t starve. There is no “had to do” in this example.

I don’t understand why more men aren’t wise to this risk — maybe sex addles their brain. So let me offer a warning to men wishing to avoid any chance of unwanted fatherhood: if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to.

Men: odds are, she is peeing. Or, if you want a more ladylike image, she is brushing her teeth and taking out her contacts so she can go to bed. Please do not start barging into the restroom unannounced, despite the fact that Liz Jones has made it sound like  “the only reason a woman goes into the restroom is to insert your used sperm with a turkey baster.” [tagbox tag=”Liz Jones”]

As it turned out, my attempts to get pregnant by Trevor failed, and shortly afterwards he and I split up.

Thank God. What a scary, awful, manipulative way to bring a child into the world. But that’s not all!

If there are any men out there even contemplating getting close to a woman in her late 30s or early 40s, I suggest you tread very carefully.

She might be the woman for you; she might be totally honest if she says she doesn’t want to rush into motherhood. But she might also be a duplicitous creature willing to go to any lengths to fulfil her dreams of having a family.

No! No! Stop speaking for all women, Liz Jones! Those are not normal, well adjusted women! They are not even adjusted women!

And if you do feel like you might be turning into someone who is going to use used sperm to impregnate yourself, just tell you boyfriend. The pressure on a woman to have children within a certain timeframe is immense. Just be honest about it. It’s possible that you can find a way to make it work, or you can move on to someone else who is more family oriented (and despite what Liz Jones says, there are plenty of good, stable guys out there who are – they just aren’t dating women who only go to the bathroom to steal sperm). Or you can consider whether you’d be willing to become a single parent. Either way, talk about it and be honest. Partly because that’s a decent way to treat someone you want to have children with, and partly because if you succeed in impregnating yourself off of their stolen sperm, there is a good chance they aren’t going to want to stick with you anyway. Because that’s as much a violation of trust as it would be if some guy started punching pinholes in a condom before you used it. It’s just crazy. It is balls to the walls, seven kinds of loonbat crazy.

Please, please, please, do not ever be like Liz Jones. Yes, we might have said this when we learned of her irrational love/hate relationship with Christina Hendricks’ breasts.

But please. If you feel like this is something you’re going to do, just e-mail me, okay? From a bathroom if need be! JUST DON’T DO THIS! OKAY? PROMISE? Good.

To check out other crazy things Liz Jones has said, go here.