Do you fancy yourself a matchmaker? Do you know any women who like Chuck E. Cheese’s, hamsters, and extremely self-deprecating humor? Would you like to donate a substantial amount of money to your favorite charity? Then you should probably get acquainted with Paul Guttierez, who has offered to donate half his annual income to charity in the name of whoever can find him a wife or girlfriend first.

The unfortunately nicknamed “Handsome Paul” has set up a website to aid him in his quest, and the posts on it range from kind of funny to kind of creepy. “It would be a real-life, beauty and the beast marriage … Minus the fact I’m not a wavy haired prince with a castle and servants,” he writes in one of his funnier posts. “More like a balding drifter with a future mobile home and hamsters.” (Ha ha?)

He’s also shared a lot of stories from his life, most of which fall into the well-worn Internet genre of “my life sucks, someone please take pity on me” blogging. Now, far be it from me to dole out relationship advice to someone I don’t know, but if you’re trying to find true love on the Internet, are you sure it’s the best idea to lead with stories about pooping your pants, jizzing during medical exams, and getting rejected by every “mail order bride” in the developing world?

Regardless: ladies! If he seems like your thing, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to talk to you. At least he hasn’t succumbed to Mytery’s “Pick-Up Artist” douche-pire yet.