Ikea: wrecker of unions, destroyer of lives, purveyor of annoyingly good deals on furniture.
It’s pretty much a huge cliche at this point that going to Ikea is a traumatic experience that has the power to tear the most rock solid of relationships asunder. There’s even been a 30 Rock episode about it. And yet, part of the place’s dark magic is that you forget how bad an ordeal it was immediately after you start enjoying your $20 Arstids and $50 Malms. Hence, it was with a moderate amount of hubris that my boyfriend and I approached our recent trip there, because we needed shit for our house and we couldn’t afford to go anywhere less pernicious. Reader, it was awful. Let this GIF-laden post stand as a reminder that yes, Ikea really is as evil as you remember, so maybe you should ask your boss for a raise and go to Crate and Barrel next time.
So you’ve finally convinced a man to move in with you. Good work, lady.
But your new place looks like this:
And you just spent all your money on a broker’s fee, i.e. a “you are now broke” fee. So you make a detailed list of what you need, borrow a helpful friend’s car, and head on down to Ikea, land of tiny meatballs and crazy deals.
Hooray, you’re there! It doesn’t look so scary, really.
Certainly not as bad as you remember it. So you grab a cart and one of those little pieces of paper to write down your BIN numbers, and get to shoppin’. YOU’VE GOT THIS.
Here a malm, there a malm, everywhere a malm malm. You are fucking killing it with this shit.
Like, seriously killing it. You might even have time to take a joyride to Fairway afterwards!
You’re even pretty sure you can locate those pillows with the maps on them that you saw six rooms and one floor back in the “showroom.”
“I’ll catch up with you in a second, babe. WE ARE GREAT AT THIS.”
There they are. And they’re only ten cents each! Now, let’s just go back and put them in the cart…
Um, hello? Boyfriend?
It’s okay, you’ll just give him a call.
Just kidding, he left his phone in the car. Whatever, there’s only one direction he could’ve gone in, right?
You’re all the way at the front register when you realize he’s back there somewhere looking for you.
So you ask the nice ladies at the customer service desk if they can page him for you, and they’re like,
“But I’ve been here all day and he has all the measurements and I’m never gonna find him otherwise and pleeeeeeze don’t let me die in here!”
And they’re like “okay I’ll do it, but only if you stand over there and stop talking.”
So you wait for a while in “The Bistro,” inhaling hot dog fumes and wondering if he even heard it. And then…
There he is! You haven’t been this happy to see him since the first time he texted you back after you blew him.
You’re both kind of mad at each other,
but you realize the most important thing is G-ing TFO this place of riddles and insanity.
Let’s promise never to go back, okay? It’s a good thing Ikea furniture lasts so long…
See you next year!