Don Draper from Mad MenYou may be expecting our regularly scheduled Wednesday episode of Wed Bed Dead. Unfortunately, Jen and Ashley got a little too awesome last night (whiskey) and don’t have one for you. Next week they will! Still, they dragged themselves out from under their oppressive hangovers this morning and made you a Fuck Marry Kill in the old written format, concerning a few of Mad Men‘s main anti-heroes, Don Draper, Roger Sterling and Pete Campbell.

Ashley: Okay. So. Let’s begin with you taking me up to speed. I’ve only seen the first three seasons of Mad Men and… I didn’t find it as… uh… nuanced as everyone else so I kind of fell off. Are there any major changes to Don/Roger/Pete that may affect decision making?

Jennifer: Not a single thing, honestly. Umm, Pete cheated on his wife. Roger got remarried. And then divorced. Their personalities have remained virtually identical. Okay, so, there have been no substantial changes to any of the character’s personalities since season three.

Ashley: Good to know.

Jennifer: Roger remains a charming bon vivant who belongs drinking martinis in a bar with Hemingway on one side and a young blonde on the other. Pete remains smarmy but correct in almost all of his business predictions. And Don Draper is still Don Draper. So, a lying, cheating, manipulative human being, somehow redeemed by the fact that he looks like Jon Hamm.

Ashley: It’s pretty effective, looking like Jon Hamm the way he does.

Mad Men's Don Draper

“Why, hello. I didn’t see you there.”

Jennifer: That’s his only good quality, honestly.

Ashley: But Don’s still a piece of shit. So, obvious kill.

Jennifer: Well… He must be REALLY good in bed, right? If only because of all the practice?

Ashley: I don’t know, Jen. It seems unlikely that Don would care much about being good in bed, as far as ladies are concerned. Then again, that hippie chick in season one is pretty taken with him, and she seems like the sort of lady who gets hers.

Jennifer: Ladies are only with him for the sex.

Ashley: I think ladies are with him for the face, mainly.

Pete Campbell from Mad Men at his desk

The kind of face that makes a person pro-bullying.

Jennifer: This puts me in an awkward situation because Pete is my favorite character.

Ashley: But he’s so smug. And pitiful, equally!

Jennifer: But he’s so correct! About everything! That moment when he predicts how the Bay of Pigs will end? He predicted that correctly. When everyone else says no one will vote for Kennedy because Kennedy doesn’t even wear a hat and he points out that Elvis doesn’t wear a hat – and then everyone laughs because they think Pete is dumb? Pete is correct. That is how Kennedy won. By being young and cool. Meanwhile, Roger can’t be in the same room with Japanese people.

Ashley: So, while Pete is kind of insufferably smarmy and self-impressed (and also extremely self-loathing), he at least has “critical thinking” as a leg up over Roger.

Jennifer: And Pete is all, “Probably time to get over the war, Japan is the future.” ALSO CORRECT.

Ashley: That’s actually a good argument for Pete. Not a dumb idiot. Or a bigot. Just a dick. Why is everyone on this show so loathsome?

Jennifer: I’m sorry, it kills me that no one ever pays attention to the fact that Pete is right all the time.

Ashley: It’s weird how Pete’s dickishness would be way more tolerable if he looked like Don Draper, but because he’s physically weak and behaves like a smug, sniveling lackey, we find him objectionable. As opposed to some sort of hot soothsayer.

Jennifer: That’s exactly it.

Ashley: I just said “hot soothsayer.” I don’t know what’s happening, Jennifer. I’m so hungover.

Jennifer: Me too! But my love for Pete is really pushing me through it. Okay, so, I’m going to have to marry Pete. Fuck. No. Sorry. Can’t. No, he’s not funny, and he’d get on my nerves and I can’t save him, even though I admire him and respect him. Except for his awfulness.

Ashley: He is awful! But… while Roger is very dashing, he’s also a monster. Don is like the most dashing person ever and an even bigger monster (maybe). So, weirdly, the one we find immediately objectionable for his feebleness, Pete, is actually probably the best of them? I don’t know if I quite buy this yet. Can’t I just say they’re all dicks?

Jennifer: Wait – Roger is a monster?

Ashley: You must really hate Japanese people.

Mad Men's Roger Sterling

“Have you seen what they do with squid over there? It’s just unnatural.”

Jennifer: I think Roger is dashing.

Ashley: No one’s arguing that Roger is dashing. On a scale of 1 to dashing, he’s like a peg below Errol Flynn.

Jennifer: Oh my gosh, yes, Errol Flynn is the high end of dashing! I mean, Roger does hate Japanese people. And Pete is probably the least racist of any of them, and he pushed really hard to sell to black consumers.

Ashley: The TVs! I remember that.

Jennifer: Pete only sees the bottom line in any situation though. But he does get to pat himself on the back in the last two seasons when everyone else realizes it’s not cool to be racist. They still do not acknowledge that he was correct. But he gets to quietly mutter “bigots.”

Ashley: Because he’s feeble. All he can do is mutter to himself! Shit. Look. I guess I’m going to fuck Don Draper–and, although THIS IS ALWAYS IMPLIED–we’re going to have very, very, very protected sex. And then I’m going to take a shower afterwards and maybe sit in the stream and think about my decisions.

Jennifer: I’m going to fuck Pete. I am going to fuck him better than I have fucked anyone, ever. I am going to learn how to do the gross stuff in preparation for that fuck.

Ashley: Does Pete like gross stuff?? Maybe I should start watching again.

Mad Men's Pete Campbell in a doorway of the office

Really into tentacle porn, turns out.

Jennifer: Maybe? I don’t know. Seems like maybe? Whatever, it’s going to be great. And afterwards I’m going to tell him he’s right about everything, always. I am going to be a benevolent sex angel. I will whisper in his ear “don’t let them get to you. You’re Pete Campbell.” And he is going to be much better for it. He will go into the world happier and renewed.

Ashley: You have the weirdest sex angel complex.

Jennifer: I know

Ashley: At least you know!

Jennifer: Well, this one was kind of a given for me. And after I finish sex angel-ing Pete, I’m going to go home to Roger who will have a dirty martini waiting for me

Ashley: That’ll be a happy, albeit emotionally absent, marriage.

Jennifer: We’ll make great banter Oh, and kill Don. Someone has to.

Ashley: You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to marry Don. He’s a horrible asshole but he’s also really creative and smart and charismatic. If he cheats on me (likely, obviously) I’ll divorce his ass because it’s 2013, I have skills* and can support myself. I’ll fuck Roger because… because he’s handsome like Don but not as clever. And I’ll kill Pete because he’s a toadie.

Jennifer: YOU THINK ROGER IS LESS CLEVER THAN DON?

Ashley: This hangover has made me impulsive, but also derisive of weakness.

Jennifer: Go lie down, Ashley.

Ashley: I need some Advil.

*Bald-faced lie.