car sex

Edward Smith is a 62-year-old who gets busy with cars in a sex way. In fact, he’s sexed up over 1,000 different cars in his lifetime. Okay.

Smith feels absolutely no sexual attraction to human beings, but doesn’t identify as asexual, because he clearly has some sexual attraction. He figured out his predilection around the time most of us start getting weird feelings about Shane West (just me? okay):

“When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it. I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to.”

After sowing his wild oats around town, Smith settled down into an open relationship with a second-hand Volkswagen Beetle by the name of Vanilla, while maintaining a few purely sexual relationships with other cars. He talks about Vanilla very sweetly:

“When I hold Vanilla in my arms there’s a powerful energy that comes from her. I would say it is extremely satisfying but at times a little melancholy because I know she cannot talk to me. But overall I know she feels what I feel and it’s intense. If anything was to happen to her I would be more than heartbroken. I’m never ashamed or awkward in my heart. I have never questioned myself – I just love her.”

Blah, that’s really adorable?

Smith also has a real sense of decency about the whole sticking his bits in other people’s cars (in case you were about to go put yours in a garage). As much as he may want to, Smith says he “know[s] better now than to pursue other people’s private property without permission.” Of course, that begs the question: has he ever asked permission? What would you say if your neighbor politely inquired about borrowing a cup of sugar for baking and your car for giving it to?

I’m not going to tell anyone what to do in the privacy of their own garage (did you see what I did there?), and it seems like Smith is in a genuinely happy relationship. It seems completely harmless and I’m a big proponent of people finding their own definition of happiness.

Photo: Shutterstock