Recently, the talented and awesome Jen Dziura filed an excellent piece for the site about how emotions typically associated with men (anger, shouting) aren’t considered emotions, whereas emotions typically associated with women are (moreover, that these kinds are viewed as weaknesses). The post got a lot of love around the internet, but you might never know from the comment thread, which was bombed by too many hateful bros to count.
One such bro, however, offered this truly amazing bit of free association that basically explains the human condition:
Men steal to get money for drugs and sex. Women give up sex to get drugs or the money with which to buy them. Men sometimes assault one another, often so that they might assert their dominance, thereby obtaining sex or money or drugs. Women give up sex…. Women also sometimes manipulate one or more men into assaulting one another, usually just for their own amusement. (Been there, stopped just as we were ready to go at it, when I saw the unholy light in her eyes. We actually maintained a platonic friendship for decades afterward; I’ve desired few women as much as I did her, but I don’t dance on anyone’s strings.)
Editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff have decided to discuss jack_sprat2‘s dark vision.
Jennifer: Would you like men to fight over you? Like, if two men started hitting one another in a bar OVER YOU, would that be nifty?
Ashley: Oh my god. You totally want that.
Jennifer: No, no, I think that’s a bit primitive.
Ashley: Is this one of your weird power fantasies I don’t know about?
Jennifer: What I would like is a little war. Only a little one. The kind of thing fought primarily between city states utilizing triremes.
Ashley: You have a Helen of Troy fantasy?
Jennifer: I think I have the fantasy known to every woman who spent A LOT of time playing Civilization III growing up. I would also accept a duel, but that has more to do with my time traveling fantasies about living in the 19th century, or an episode of Firefly.
Ashley: I think I have a fantasy that’s just me playing Civ III at 4:00 in the morning, eating chips. I think that’s simultaneously a picture of perfect happiness and abject despair. Also, college. …So, what your saying is ‘brawling is inelegant.’ But you do want a fight? You know that’s kind of gross, right?
Jennifer: A little war. Just a little one.
Ashley: I guess it would be pretty validating.
Jennifer: Fine. Fine. You want galleys? There can be galleys. They just can’t wipe out anyone else’s cultural achievements over me. I draw a line at that.
Ashley: That would be crass.
Jennifer: Right. Now. How could I make that happen?
Ashley: You know everyone involved in the actual fighting-over-Helen part of the Trojan war sucked, right? Paris sucks.
Jennifer: Athena doesn’t suck. Odysseus is a pathological liar, but he does not suck.
Ashley: I think Odysseus sucks. But not because of Helen. …I was going to say that Achilles is the best, obviously, but then I realized he’s initially pretty motivated by the whole Briseis thing, so maybe we should change the subject. Men fighting over women is silly. Women fighting over men is silly. Money and drugs are pretty cool, though.
Jennifer: Well, men have dueled over women throughout history. But it seems like a bit of a relic from an earlier time, where women did not have as much say in the matter of who they “belonged” to?
Jennifer: Like, right at the moment, if a man swept in and challenged your boyfriend to a fistfight for you, that might be really interesting, and weird! But when the fight was over, you would go off with your boyfriend, merely perplexed.
Ashley: I hadn’t thought of it that way. I mean, I guess men randomly fighting your boyfriend would fall under the banner of “unusual things that have happened,” and therefore wouldn’t be so bad. I just can’t understand actively inciting the fight. I guess that’s my hangup.
Jennifer: I don’t even know how you would do that. Leave prank phone calls saying that guy B had insulted guy A’s trireme and said he was “no kind of man?” And then do the same to guy B?
Ashley: “Your trireme is gay!”
Jennifer: And also, stuff about your honor?
Ashley: “Bro, does your galley even have a culverin?”
Jennifer: It would be cool if one guy was a pirate.
Ashley: It would be cool.
Jennifer: So, barring the notion that you know a pirate/privateer and another guy with a trireme he had strong feelings about, how do you goad two men into fighting?
Ashley: Well, you flaunt sex in front of them (because you want money, drugs). Then you get a crazy look in your eye and they get all frenzied and then they assault each other? And they do it to assert their dominance, which brings them money, drugs and sex? You’d probably have a bit of a mess to clean up before you can have sex in your money and drugs. Also, a lot of drugs adversely affect sex, so you have to be careful which ones you do after holding up the defeated pirate by his feet and shaking all the drugs and money out of him. I think that’s how it works?
Jennifer: Sometimes I also wish I were a primate. But even then, I think I’d be one of the ones who did sign language and painted with watercolors.
Ashley: Oh man, like KoKo?
Jennifer: Yes. I bet she had no hesitations about making males fight, the saucy bitch.
Ashley: I can’t believe you just called KoKo the gorilla a saucy bitch.
Jennifer: I’m not a fan of her work.
Ashley: I also find it kind of flat and one-dimensional.
Jennifer: I don’t even think she did watercolors.
Ashley: I don’t think so, either. I think she was just sensitive and loved a kitten? We’re monsters.
Jennifer: But not ones that can effectively goad men into fighting over us, sadly.
Ashley: Oh man, though. If I could make a man fight a gorilla in front of me, I might give him sex in exchange for money and drugs.
Jennifer: So your prostituting price is “fight a gorilla and give me cocaine?”
Ashley: Or a velociraptor.
Jennifer: That seems fair.
Ashley: I feel like that would say a lot about a man. Or about his fitness as a mate, I think.
Jennifer: I mean, if it didn’t work out, you’d have to marry the velociraptor, and his nose is too tiny to do coke with. Velociraptors are mostly IV drug users.
Ashley: He’d be so confused! Our marriage would be tragic. I’d just play Civ III in the basement for days on end and he’d be upstairs, prodding a rolled up $20 with his tiny useless arms. Anguished. We don’t understand each other!
Jennifer: He’ll never be able to wear a cardigan. But you’ll have your memories of that time he killed that guy you loved with his terrifying feet claws.
Ashley: That would be kind of traumatizing, though? Nobody likes seeing viscera before partaking in drugs and money. Man, being a woman is hard because you’re so venal and need drugs. All kinds. Doesn’t matter which.
Jennifer: Extra strength Tylenol for your lady-time of month, mostly. So, I guess you could make men fight over you by suggesting they do so? If you found the right kind of guy. Like, two boxers. And you were friends with both of them. And you were sad or something, because you lost Civilization III (again) (even though your people had marvelously high standards of living).
Ashley: It’s that fucking space race, man.
Jennifer: And you said “Joe, Bob, you two fighting over me would make me really happy. Could you do that the next time you are sparring, in the ring, since you are boxers?” “Just think of me, okay?” I bet they’d agree. They seem really nice.
Ashley: I guess that’s the one place it’d be appropriate. I like that. It sounds civilized.
Jennifer: What Joe doesn’t know is that I’ve equipped Bob with a claw-toe.
Ashley: …Full of speed.