You know, some afternoons I just sit around flipping through Cosmo and being like “who are the people who write into this magazine?” I know who the people who read it are. Those people are me, apparently. I read it for the giggles and inventive new uses for my scrunchies. But what about the men who want to share their special sex tips? Check out these ones and see if you think the writers at Cosmo just drunkenly make these up, because if so, I want to work there.

“I only have seductive skills because of Fabio. I buy dopey romance books at yard sales and rip out the sex scenes. I’ll study those pages until I can recite most of the tacky phrases word for word because they are like cheat sheets for getting a girl’s pants off.” – David, 30

Dude, I don’t know what romance novels you’re reading, but in most of the ones I’ve seen those phrases are like “let me peel back the petals of your ladyflower, sweet pea” or “let us make love like underwater sea-leopards.” I do not believe you.

“When a woman runs her fingers down my sides, I almost black out.” – Randy, 30

That must be very troubling. Do you have a medical condition, Randy?

My girl will get all freaky out of nowhere and rip off my pants in public places. I’m not complaining, but I like to shower and prepare my boys so I don’t offend her nose and her tastebuds, if you know what I mean.” – Ross, 24

Ross, I guaruntee you that while you are not complaining, everyone else in these “public places” is. You know what I mean?
Seriously, the girls who work at Cosmo just have awesome senses of humor, right?