Joining the mile high club is something that, in theory, I am interested in. It seems fun and dangerous. In practice, though, I’ll never do it, for one reason — I doubt I will ever want to risk the mortification of walking in or out of an airplane bathroom with my partner, essentially announcing to hundreds of strangers that I just had, or am about to have, The Sex. At the end of the day, I’m not that kind of exhibitionist.

Anyway, I say all this because of a new product on the market, called the Mile High Kit. The kit claims to make airplane sex easier. My question, naturally, was: what could be contained in a kit that would eliminate the possibility of anyone seeing me coming or going from a public restroom?

Is there an invisibility cloak in there?

The answer, sadly, is no.

What it does have is condoms, a small bottle of lube, a little vibrator, and in the bigger kits, some other sex toys like a cock ring and feather tickler. But, I mean, seriously? First of all, if the element of danger inherent in fucking in a plane isn’t enough of an extra stimulant for you, you might as well save the whole affair for the hotel. Second of all, you are a total dick if you’re not just spending five minutes having sex in the bathroom, but are spending an extra 10-15 minutes on foreplay with some sort of toy. What else are you going to do in there, set up a romatic candlelit dinner? Exchange sensual massages? Perform prolonged foot reflexology? People are waiting, asshole. Get in and get out. If you need a kit to help you do that and still have your precious mile-high sex, you’re barking up the wrong kink.