Photo: Shutterstock

Photo: Shutterstock

Why is your dating life unsatisfactory? Probably because you’re a girl.

In the course of one misogyny-packed Huffington Post column, blogger Amy Chan manages to shame women for being too feminine and not feminine enough, too selective and too slutty. Impressive!

In “The 11 Differences Between Dating A Girl And A Woman,” Chan gets off to a great start by first suggesting that only heterosexual people exist: “A boy is attracted to girls. A man is attracted to women.” That’s a solid way to establish credibility when you’re writing about sexual relationships! But what constitutes a “man,” exactly? Chan explains. “If you are a man (independent, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a woman.”

But now that we’ve established that adult men are faultless, let’s move on to the pressing issue of how women are immature little whiny bitches who ruin their relationships.

First of all, we’re sluts! The difference between a “girl” and a “woman,” according to Chan, is that “a girl may be so used to feeling validated through her looks and sexuality that she uses this as her primary tool to get what she wants in life,” while a woman “knows her worth is beyond her physicality.” Okay, so we’ve established that our culture sexualizes immature and underdeveloped girls to the point that they’re “used to” their bodies being the only thing that gets them validation, and yet it’s a sin if a woman chooses to use this structure to her advantage. Cool.

But the slut-shaming doesn’t end there. Chan wants you to know that the reason your last relationship failed is because “a girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” Didn’t you know that the only way to be a mature adult is to become the property of one person? Why are you seeking attention from anyone other than your master? Besides, happily single women (and polyamorous women) aren’t real.

Okay, but if you haven’t been sleeping with Too Many People, what went wrong? You’re probably being too selective, you stuck-up prude. Only an immature girl would search for men who fit certain physical criteria, such as “hot” or “over six feet tall,” according to Chan. What makes you think you have some say in what kinds of people you go out with? Take what you can get and be grateful!

While you were out being utterly unreasonable by trying to find a man you were physically attracted to, you were neglecting your womanly duties of cooking and cleaning. A woman, according to Chan, “understands that [being domestic] is one way of taking care of herself and others. She also understands that in the event she wants to create a family, having a person in the household who can contribute domestically is important.” Pssst. By “person” she means you. Get to work, wench.

So remember, ladies—if you’re unlucky in love, it’s only because it’s absolutely-totally-definitely your fault. If the culture you live in constantly treats you like a moronic, superficial sex toy, it’s solely your duty to reverse centuries of gender oppression and emerge as a flawless being. Now stop being a whiny skank and “know your worth.”