As if it weren’t bad enough that men spend all day, every day staring at porn vaginas, not working, not talking and not thinking about anything else because they are insane, sex-crazed maniacs, we gals now have another thing to worry about as far as competition goes: the vaginas of monsters.

A company called Fleshlight, which trades in fake, fuckable vaginas (also known as masturbation sleeves), has developed a new line of toys called Freaks. There’s a vampire vagina, a zombie vagina, an alien vagina, a Frankenstein vagina, and a cyborg vagina. And over at Fleshbot [link NSFW], they’ve decided to review each and every faux-cunt for our reading pleasure.

The reviews seem fair, and the writer certainly did his research (and how!). Here’s how he felt about the fake vampire pussy:

Starting with the vampiric Drac model seemed easiest because I watch a lot of “True Blood,” and I genuinely admire the work that the artisan cyberskin sculptors did on the labia. They’re not just bat wings, they’re wings that look a lot like those belonging to the giant bat on the cover of Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out of Hell.” Sadly, Drac’s insides aren’t as interesting as its vulva. It’s nothing but a double helix of studs and smooth sections—it’s essentially a rib-less version of Asa Akira’s signature Dragon texture and it’s boring.

Ouch. We still think you’re cool, vampire vag.

Moving on, and having ruled out the walking dead, our fearless hero seemed to enjoy the cyborg more:

Conceptually, the cyborg vagina is the easiest to fuck. For all we know, this could be exactly what cyborg vaginas are like in the future! You’ll notice that the most robotic feature in this Fleshlight is the simple bit of circuitry running down the length of the shaft. There are actually two of them, one on either side of the toy, and I was unprepared for how great they felt.

Anyway, of course our hilarious headline is all in good fun — we don’t really think that you should feel like you’re in competition with a sex toy, any more than your man-or-womanpiece should feel competitive with your pocket rocket. So go forth and jerk off to monster-ladies, men of the world. Happy Halloween.