look what the homosexuals

After last week’s Supreme Court Decision to strike down DOMA, we all celebrated the federal recognition of (some) equal rights for all adults to marry like everyone else. Now that the LGBTQ community is truly equal (with the exception of a lack of adequate health care, rampant discrimination, increased likelihood of being victims of violent crime) we might even start calling it “marriage” instead of “gay marriage.”

The celebration, however, was short lived. I had long ignored the howls of the conservative thinkers who claimed that gay marriage would change the world as we know it. Children would grow up sexually confused, man would marry beast, and the world would stop spinning. Well, perhaps I was wrong to ignore what I called “hatred” or “blatant stupidity,” because it looks like the homosexuals and their homosexual agenda may have in fact duped us all.

CNN Money has exposed a sinister aspect of DOMA’s repeal. Sales of the things people buy for weddings (rustic venues, mason jars, twine, and customized whiskey bottles) are increasing as more people have the ability to make you spend a weekend watching an extended PDA session.

In California alone, 37,000 same-sex couples are likely to marry over the next three years, and the state’s economy will gain approximately $492 million in new business revenue from same-sex couples’ weddings, according to research from the law school at the University of California, Los Angeles.

Oh Christ. Do you realize how many more damn weddings we’re all going to have to go to now? I’m from California and I’ll probably have to go to at least half of those 37,000 weddings. The majority of the couples that I know that are even in stable enough relationships to get married are gay, so it’s wedding season for me now. This is a classic example of how the homosexuals have ruined things for heterosexuals like me.

I personally wish this whole DOMA thing had gone the other direction and turned into a flat-out marriage ban for all. This would signal an end to drunk groomsmen getting handsy with the bride’s seventeen-year-old cousin, trying desperately to avoid the bouqet toss, spending your Labor Day weekend with someone else’s family, spending Labor Day weekend with your family, and dropping $150 on, I don’t know, a fondue set. Equality reigns supreme!

Photo: Netflix