Dating sucks. This is a universal truth. This is only intensified when you’re talking about online dating. The online dating world is rife with pervs, freaks, cult members, Nickelback fans, Juggalos, and possibly a decent person or two.The stakes are high and in the end you might just end up with the love of your life. That, or herpes.
Thankfully I’m happily involved, and have been for a long time, but I still suffer from a PTODD, or post-traumatic online dating disorder. I cringe at the site of random emails, expecting a rouge penis pic at any moment. Of course, many of the folks on these sites are perfectly normal and probably nice people, but fuck if there aren’t a lot of frogs to deal with. I’ve put together a list of some of the people you will inevitably meet on online dating sites. These are all inspired by real, actual profiles from guys and gals who have tried to contact me on POF.com. Some details have been changed to protect the ridiculous.
11. The “Already Negging You” Guy
The Message: Don’t contact me unless you have all your teeth in place
If the person is already trying to knock you down a peg and you haven’t even exchanged an email, then that is a HUGE red flag. Just NOPE on out of there and hit the next button.
10. The “Grandiose Personality” Guy
The Message: I’m rich but I ain’t captain Save-A-Hoe, so gold diggers beware.
For privacy’s sake I can’t tell you guys the actual screen name, but just know that it has the word DONG in it. Nuff’ said.
9. The Weirdo
The Message: My interests are varied. I love quantum physics and freeze tag. Let’s go get a blue Icee and see where things go.
I mean, who doesn’t like a little freeze tag with their quantum physics, and I love a person who appreciates a good deal, but anyone who prefers a blue Icee over the clearly superior red one is surely a sonofabitch.
8. The “Show Me The Money” Guy
The Message: How YOU doin’?
This is the guy that doesn’t have a regular profile photo, but rather a large stack of cash with a hundred dollar bill on top. You just know that under that top 100 dollar bill there are either a mess of singles or a bunch of money-shaped pieces of paper. I don’t know what this guy is trying to prove, but he’s failed. Miserably.
7. The “Way Too Full Of Himself” Guy AKA Epic Douchebag
The Message: If you’re waiting for ME to talk to YOU, I most likely won’t…I’m over the chase. I know guys are dogs. I know you get hit on all the time and I’m not going to be just another hound chasing meat. I’m not desperate, trust me, if I just wanted a hook up I WOULDN’T need you to accomplish it.
First of all, he compares women to meat, so be still my beating heart. Then he lets us know that he can get laid. That’s right ladies. Getting that sweet, sweet poon tang ain’t no thang but a chicken wing.
6. The “Purposely Vague” Guy
The Message: …*Crickets*…
Listen up potential online dating profile makers. There are only two reasons why anyone would be this vague on a dating site, and every woman knows it. You’re either NOT single and you don’t want your partner to know, or you’re boring as hell. Either way, you suck.
5. Neck Tattoo
The Message: My heroes are Chris Brown and Mike Tyson…
4. The “Grammar And Spelling Nazi Who Is Terrible At Grammar And Spelling” Guy
The Message: Yo, I luv a hottie wit smarts but u I h8 b*tches who can’t spell n’ shit. Learn english, duh!
Sorry dude, I can’t hear you over the screams of all the exclamation points you’re abusing.
3. The “TMI” Guy
The Message: Hey girl. One thing you gotta know. I’m joining the army, so if being an army wife ain’t for you then walk away now. Also, I love America and the second amendment, so SCREW Obama. My perfect date would be a kick ass Kid Rock concert. but you’ have to drive, because my license was just taken away. What can I say, I NEED the SPEED!
This person spills way too much information in their “about me” section. Now, I’m all for honestly, but save some for the first date, dude. Or never, because that works too.
2. The “Rapid Fire Facts” Guy
The Message: Hi! How are you, gorgeous? Here are some things I love: Video games, cussing up a storm, getting some drinks…
I love how guys like this start out at least attempting to write full sentences, but then regresses into throwing out random words as interests. XBOX! BEER! CUSSING! Oh my!
1. The “You Can’t See My Dick” Guy
The Message: (I think you can imagine what this message was)
Dude. No one wants to see your dick. Ever. We might have wanted to, but screaming at us in all caps has a way of dampening that. Or rather, un-dampening something else.