Photo: Tommy Garcia/Bravo via People

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger is trying to supplant Kim Kardashian as the Worst Person Alive (non dictator, murder or warlord division). First there was this, then there was this, then there was her entire career of insisting women diet until rich men agree to fuck them. In her latest bullshit-reinforcing escapade, she began blogging for People magazine and her inaugural column is about how a woman’s success will ruin her marriage because cavemen and feelings! Contributing to the already-impressive horribleness, she uses Amy Poehler and Will Arnett‘s recent divorce to further her dim-witted thesis.

Here, let us take you on a virtual tour of her piece so you don’t have to give her pageviews.

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have decided to end their marriage after nine years. I know. I’m sighing, too. They were funny, so affectionate and both of them are just downright cute. I think all of America had a raging couple crush on these two and we’re all hurting with them. Ben and Jerry’s, order for 300 million, please!

We’re all hurting with them! It’s like we got divorced! Ice cream punchline! Fine, we’re not going to hate a person because she’s not funny, but…

Honestly, I do not know why this hilarious duo broke up. They’re keeping it classy and being relatively private about this split, which is definitely how it should be handled. But, their breakup did get me thinking about how being a woman with a successful career affects relationships[…] I can’t help but wonder if that contributed to their divorce. Being more successful than your man can weigh heavy on a relationship.

Whoa, really? Can you support that with… anything?

Why, yes. Yes, she can. She can provide a bulleted list of reasons. Here’s the first:

Men like to provide: This goes back to the cavemen days. Men like to provide for women and their families. It’s in their DNA. I’m obviously no scientist, but I bet if you could hear a Y-chromosome talk, it would say, “I want to provide and hunt.” When the woman is the primary breadwinner, it’s going against nature. I’m not saying that it’s bad or wrong, I’m just saying that it can feel off.

And we bet if you stared at a piece of shit through a microscope, it would be made of thousands of tiny faces that look like Patti Stanger’s. Thankfully we don’t have to support that claim, because we’re “obviously not a scientist,”–but what matters is we can still say it.

Outside pressure: Even if your man is the most progressive male on the planet and is completely comfortable with his woman bringing home the bacon, the rest of the world isn’t that open-minded. There will undeniably be comments and questions about your relationship dynamic. At first, these may seem like not much more than a silly annoyance, but these comments burn and eventually, they’ll wear away at your man’s confidence. He’ll start to notice the difficulties of your untraditional financial situation and even if the financial dynamic doesn’t bother him, the attention to it might

You bag of snakes.

Feeling left out: If you’re a successful woman, chances are that you spend a ton of time working. You’re probably on your email a lot, taking phone calls and going on regular business trips that don’t involve your man. He can start to feel left out of a very important and very time-consuming part of your life. It’s the same when it’s swapped. When the husband spends too much time typing work emails and not writing enough love notes, things can get rocky.

Our eyeballs feel as though they’re going to explode in a shower of blood.

Am I saying that Amy’s amazing career was the downfall of this couple? I don’t know. What I do know is that traditional gender roles are very real and flipping the norm is difficult for even the strongest, funniest, smartest men. Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know if you think I’m onto something or if I sound like I’m from the 1950s. Best of luck to Amy and Will!

No, Patti, you don’t sound like you’re from the 1950s! You sound like a Medieval priest king crossed with a blowup doll!

We’re sorry you had to see that. We’re sorry People referred to her in the first sentence as a “love and relationship expert” and not “a vile idiot.” We’re sorry about everything; let’s hope it stops soon.

(People)

UPDATE: For those of you shocked as to why we’d be angry about someone putting forth antiquated, harmful generalizations without a modicum of evidence under the guise of being an expert in her given field… please also enjoy her comments about gay men (and their refusal to be monogynous despite how hard she’s tried to fix them!) and Jewish people, too (featuring her classic insight, “Jewish men lie”). Oh, and she also suggested women dumb themselves down to attract a husband. And here is a supercut of her being objectionable.

…But you’re more than welcome to think she’s brave for “telling it like it is” in these PC times!