The nation is still getting to know boyishly handsome GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan, but so far we’ve deduced his turn-ons include lying and polemics dressed up as poorly-written smut, while his turn offs include body fat, reproductive rights and gay people. How do we know how he feels about gays? Here’s Ryan speaking in Cincinnati earlier in the week:


In case you were distracted by his impossibly pert butt (or couldn’t watch the video) here’s what Ryan had to say:

“The things you talk about like traditional marriage and family and entrepreneurship. These aren’t values that are indicative to any one person or creed or color. These are American values, these are universal human values.”

First of all, the suggestion that any values are “universally human” is preposterous. Values (as Ryan is using the term) are an invented concept and, if left to our own devices, the only thing we have remotely resembling “universal human values” are killing Piggy and taking his glasses. Moving right along, “traditional marriage” isn’t a universal human value any more than it’s an American one–and Ryan should ask his Mormon running mate how far back “traditional marriage” involved  a man and his wives. Also, entrepreneurship? Is that a value? How exactly is that a value? We shall add to Ryan’s list of turn ons: “not knowing what words mean.”

Of course, the worst thing about this is the suggestion that anyone who opposes “traditional marriage” is somehow going against universally human stuff, which is not just preposterous but… really bigoted. And may be Ryan’s most ridiculous untruth yet.