Are you lonely? Left wondering why nobody’s banging you? Feeling sad and miserable and like your vulva is super, duper gross but you can’t handle those words so you need everything to be explained to you in disgusting, patronizing metaphors? Fortunately, Playtex vaginal wipes has got you covered! Or, rather, uncovered from that disgusting reality you call “healthy vaginal discharge,” you icky excuse for a sex object, you!

But really, Playtex’s advertising campaign for their vaginal wipes makes me a little sick. The one above, comparing women’s vaginas to fruit — ew — is just one of four ads that states the company’s opinion that women can’t get laid unless we’re “clean.” Obviously, being hygienic is a logical thing, right? We should all make sure to keep ourselves clean in that sense because it’s simply the healthy thing to do.

But Playtex doesn’t mean the normal showering-with-soap-and-water type of clean (i.e. the one that men and women both require, typically without much further grooming); they mean you need to use vaginal wipes. Their vaginal wipes, which will apparently make you have tons and tons of sex (check out the ads below). According to their press release, they’re “addressing an important consumer need”; you know, the need to stop being so naturally dirty sans wipes that people will stop sleeping with you.

“We wanted to be fun and playful and bold all at the same time,” said Creative Director Elaine McCormick. Sorry, Elaine, but you completely missed the mark on all of those things (well, the font is actually quite good, but that’s about it). This campaign is not only completely offense to women’s bodies, it’s also promoting a potentially detrimental product. Seriously: feminine wipes are an absurd “tool” that can upset the PH balance in your vagina, thus making it actually more likely that you’ll get a bacterial infection, have to go on antibiotics and not be able to have sex. Sounds totally sexy, right?

Also, logistically, this shit makes no sense: how does anybody know what your business’ grooming habits are unless they already have your clothes off? And I’m pretty sure that means there will be some form of metaphorical picking, since most people don’t really run out of rooms screaming post-pants removal.


The only logical use I could see these being used for is women who have particularly heavy periods in order to prevent staining and whatnot since sometimes tampons and pads leak, but that’s about it. Otherwise, this is a ridiculous, glorified, sexified baby wipe. Don’t buy it, you will regret doing so. Also: you will have a difficult time finding a guy who exclusively goes for women whose vaginas smell like “cranberry, chamomile” or whatever other possibly irritating scents these will likely have on them. And if you do find somebody who’s only down with that, inform him that he’s a moron and if he’s so keen on it, he can go bang a berry — at least then, the scent will be naturally “clean.”

For the rest of the ads, scroll down:


Dick wipes?

Playtex 2 Playtex 3

[via Huffington Post]