Guess who won’t do a point/counterpoint on Kate and Wills official engagement pictures which depict them cuddling? Lilit and Ashley. That’s fine, though. I’m dividing myself in half again to discuss it. Asshole Jennifer is the bottom half.

Asshole Jennifer: I wish William and Kate would stop cuddling in public because I hate happiness. Happiness blows.

Rational Jennifer: I would like them to continue expressing affection because I think it’s nice when people find love.

Asshole Jennifer: Cuddling like you’re in a He-Went-To-Jared commercial is not love. It feels forced and unnatural. Look at them. They look terrified in that picture.

Rational Jennifer: You’d be excited if someone went to Jared.

Asshole Jennifer: No, I wouldn’t be, because I’m not a vacuous dingbat. Thanks for setting that one up, though.

Rational Jennifer: That was just my gift to you.

Asshole Jennifer: It’s like you went to Harry-fucking-Winston, but better.

Rational Jennifer: Wow, asshole Jennifer, you are sort of winning this argument. Or you would be if the argument were “are commercials for jewelry stores you find in malls stupid?” But that’s not the argument. The argument is, Wills and Kate should keep cuddling, because this is a happy time, and they want us to feel like we’re their friends.

Asshole Jennifer: We’re not their friends. Pretending we are just detracts from their being God’s annointed. Seeing pictures like this makes me feel like they can’t even cure leprosy by touching people. Also, you have to stop referring to him as Wills. You live in America.

Rational Jennifer: I hate you. And the royals haven’t been able to cure leprosy since Queen Anne.  So, one thing I really like about these pictures is that you could never in a million years imagine Charles and Diana in a similar pose. Seeing Kate and Wills like this, well, it really maks me feel like the monarchy has moved into a new century. What Diana did for child-rearing – remember that picture where she run up to Harry and Wills to hug them? – I think Kate and Wills are doing for romance.

Asshole Jennifer: Really? You could never imagine Charles and Diana like that?

Rational Jennifer: Oh, come on, that’s their wedding photo. All their engagement photos consist of Prince Charles giving Diana some sort of terrifying vulcan death grip.

Asshole Jennifer: So what? There’s no shame in partying like a Vulcan.

Rational Jennifer: If the purpose of the royal family is to act as the symbolic spirit of the nation, then maybe it’s good that they’re getting away from stiff-upper lipped refinement and getting down with cuddling. They’re showing that it’s okay to feel things, and to share feelings.

Asshole Jennifer: Jen, it’s “keep calm and carry on.” Not “grab the closest available person and squeeze them like a cobra.” That’s a completely different saying.