how to murder your wife

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if your husband is trying to poison you, your first move should not be “write to Elle magazine.” Although, honestly, I do really like E. Jean’s advice, almost all the time, but this is insane. If you have good evidence that anyone is trying to poison you, do not pick up a pen. Do not write anyone. Pack your belongings and leave immediately. But, since I suppose it is not really that easy, A woman wrote Elle saying:

I suspect he’s putting something in my coffee. I notice it smells funny, and when I drink it, my eyes get superpuffy and swollen. I suspect he’s also adding stuff to my lotions and bath products, which created brown discolorations on my skin. My legs look as if they’re covered in snakeskin. My arms are dry as cracked earth. Same with my shampoos—whatever he’s putting in them makes my hair extremely dry and knotted. These are expensive, high-end products that I know from experience work well. My suspicions have been further aroused since he’s started ranting about my “using chemicals.”


I’ve now switched to drinking tea, have left decoy shampoos and skin products in the bathroom, and have hidden my “good” products. (My hair and skin improved almost overnight.)

Agh, lady, he is definitely trying to posion you! Or, you know, there’s at least a lack of trust in your marriage. Not the kind of “lack of trust” that implies “my husband once drunkenly kissed another woman at the office party, and now I am concerned every time he talks to other women” (which some might say is a good enough reason to end a relationship) but a lack of trust where you think the other person might be trying to kill you.

Thank goodness E. Jean replied:

Your husband is putting God knows what—lye on your loofah, mercury in your mousse—and you want “a good lab”? You want a “more user-friendly” camera? I know this has thrown you for a loop, Miss Losing. I know unhappy wives shoot more film of scheming husbands than Alfred Hitchcock. (A recent front-page story in The Wall Street Journal headlined spy-gear arms race wasn’t about the CIA; it was about connubial espionage.) Trust me, your lawyer will have the products tested. But really, now, if you gotta video this chump because you think he’s trying to murder you—does it matter what tests reveal?

Your marriage is finished.

I mean, okay, this is kind of an obvious one, but, yay, E. Jean. I suppose we’d all feel pretty bad if it turned out that the husband was doing… something that was not poisoning her that made her skin turn cracked and her eyes swell…but better safe than sorry. Either way, this really didn’t sound like a great marriage. I only wish we had some follow-up on whether the woman is, right now, alive and well.

Picture via DishOnline/How To Murder Your Wife