So, on Friday afternoons we ponder eternal questions like: should you date a finance bro or a musician bro? Liana, the deputy editor of Crushable and I debated this theoretical point all afternoon. Vote, then enjoy!
Jennifer: Finance bros are better. They have employable skills.
Liana: Musician bro ALL THE WAY.
Jennifer: They will sleep with a groupie. Then she will have their baby and name it Phoenix.
Liana: Finance bros will sleep with a sorority girl on spring break. She will have a baby and name it his last name. Because he will have to marry her. Because they both come from prominent families.
Jennifer: That is not true. You are a liar, Liana. They will sleep with their secretary and use a condom. That is respectable/kind of hot. Also, desk sex!
Liana: Musician bros are sensitive geniuses who will do spontaneous things like pick you flowers and cook you dinner and occasionally make a hundred bucks. Desk sex? Airplane sex!
Jennifer: Musicians are the kind of people who are always missing planes. Or they WOULD be. They have no money to get on planes. They’re essentially unemployed!
Liana: Dressing room sex at his show!
Jennifer: Finance bro means you can have desk sex while flying private! Or dressing room sex at Bergdorf’s where the man tailoring his outfit will politely not bother you!
Liana: Musician bro: dressing room sex while groupies bang on the door, but he won’t let them in because he loves you and you are his muse, and that’s so hot.
Jennifer: That sounds awful. That sounds like being besieged by zombies. I’d have a panic attack.
Liana: Having a panic attack? Well, here are some pills from Musician bro… take as many as you’d like.
Jennifer: Musician bro has a problem and is going to need to leave you for 28 days.
Liana: But he’ll meet Keith Richards in rehab!
Jennifer: He will meet some girl in rehab who enjoys having sex in a janitor’s closet and looks good in peasant blouses.
Liana: No, only Keith Richards, and they’ll become best friends and you’ll get to hang out with The Stones all the time.
Jennifer: I like the way finance bro and I are now going townhouse shopping in my head.
Liana: Finance bro has a problem too, and it’s an indictment.
Jennifer: It’s a lovely townhouse, Liana. It’s in the West Village and it has window boxes. Oh my God! He’s proposing! With his Grandmother’s ring! Sorry musician bro’s family disowned him because of all his stealing to feed his drug habit.
Liana: Musician bro and I have a great loft in Brooklyn. And also a place in LA, and we get to stay at places like The Chelsea and The Algonquin, which is a lovely hotel. Sorry Finance bro’s family is racist.
Jennifer: It’s all under the rug! They’re just old fashioned!
Liana: Musician bro’s family may not give him money, but they gave him those cheekbones!
Jennifer: The Algonquin is a lovely hotel. It’s a small hotel. There’s a song about it. How does musician bro feel knowing he will never write a song like that one? Sad? Finance bro will take you to the Carlyle to hear that song performed, not get weird and defensive. With finance bros you get to be the cool arty one. Which is fun. They get to be the stable secure one. You can complete each other.
Liana: But what will you talk about? Who will take you to museums and point out the Lucien Freud that’s so beautiful.
Jennifer: The one of lumpy people or the other one of lumpy people? Finance bro is on the Guggenheim committee.
Liana: Lumpy people like Finance bro’s boring boss whose house you have to suffer through boring dinners at?
Jennifer: All finance bros end up collecting art for their oversized apartments at some point. Of course you’ll talk about that. You’ll also get the enjoyment that comes from introducing them to things and watching them get excited about them. Oh. His boss? Good point. Wait! I LOVE finance bro’s boss! He and my dad used to golf together! I call him “Uncle!”
Liana: Musician bro is his own boss! He’ll never come home from the office in a huff and slam the door, pour himself a Jameson, and ignore you for an hour.
Jennifer: That doesn’t make you feel needed and angelic? Rubbing someone’s shoulders as they tell you about the market in Tokyo? I guess musician bro never gets upset until, you know, his career just slowly begins to fizzle, but I guess the drugs and general detachment means he won’t really notice…
Liana: Telling him, “No, actually this line works better. And try this word. That’s beautiful.” And then hearing it end up on a covers record that sells two million dollars? You did that for him!
Jennifer: You’ll get to go to so many fun Bar Mitzvah’s after his career fades!
Liana: Finance bro’s boss’s son’s bar mitzvah?
Jennifer: Yes.They’ll play that song you wrote yourself for musician bro because he wasn’t competent enough. 13-year-olds will grind to it.
Liana: “Oh shit, Finance bro, um how’s the market doing these days? Not so good? Oh.”
Jennifer: Good thing he shorted everything! Now he’s retired! We go to Italy when it gets cold!
Liana: We’re going to Italy on SATURDAY.
Liana: He gets to tour Europe all the time. Yes.
Jennifer: Finance bro gets to go to Berlin to speak at a conference! And Ireland! I fucking love watching people speak at conferences. I get awed by the competence, suitedness.
Liana: Festivals where you can meet cool people like Charlotte Gainsbourg who’s also playing?
Jennifer: I think if I was with a musician, watching him write music, actually helping in a way that was literal and not emotionally supportive, I would ultimately think “well, why aren’t I just doing this myself?” They speak about finance, and I understand it only vaguely, so it feels like poetry. Poetry recited in Latin. I like people being better than me at something, I like being impressed.
Liana: Wouldn’t you rather be able to join in those conversations. And to impress his friends with your wit? Rather than take a backseat while they discuss Important Facts?
Jennifer: I think I come off as “the creative one.” And I can join in insofar as I learn things, which is fun. Learning is fun. And they’re respectful of my work because they know they could not do it themselves, as I am respectful of theirs.
Liana: It’s great when musician bro can also help with your writing, on account of him being so good at it himself.
Jennifer: I would absolutely hate that. I like my personal life and work life to be somewhat separate.
Liana: You show everything to musician bro first, and he helps you shape your work and make it better. It’s a beautiful process.
Jennifer: Finance bro holds your work up as though you created the holy grail and just sort of marvels. And then he hugs you really tight and says “how did you get to be so clever?”
Liana: That’s a lot of pressure! He’ll never understand if you hit a slump.
Jennifer: No, no, he doesn’t read anything else. He will always think what you write is the best.
Liana: He won’t stroke your hair and say, “Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. It doesn’t mean you aren’t talented.”
Jennifer: No, he’ll just stare at the mediocre thing you wrote that you know is mediocre and say “how can you think that’s not funny? That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read.”
Liana: That’s not helpful! Because then you turn it in and your editor hates you and there goes that book deal!
Jennifer: Sometime you just need someone to tell you “it’s great” when all that really means is “I love you.” Especially if you are insecure and hate your own work.
Liana: But what if it’s actually good and you just hate it! Because it’s yours? Finance bro can’t be objective about such things.
Jennifer: I don’t want him to be objective. I want him to be optimistic and emotionally supportive. I have everyone else in the world to be objective. Just as, when the market goes down, he wants me to scratch the back of his head and say “you’re so smart, everything will work out okay,” and not… finance words.
Liana: Final point: I bet finance bro closes his eyes and thinks of money when he’s fucking you.
Jennifer: I bet music bro thinks of MUSIC. Music about some groupie he banged.
Liana: His music is on while you’re fucking because it’s beautiful and perfect and all about you.
Jennifer: No, it’s not.
Liana: Yes. Yes it is. You can tell these sorts of things because you are both sensitive souls, perfectly in-tune with one another. Actually, that sounds awful.
Jennifer: We only listen to the soundtrack of Wall St. 2 and The Talking Heads.
Liana: And then he puts on his pink Brooks Brothers shirt and parts his hair and MURDERS YOU.
Jennifer: Have you ever slept in a Brooks Brother’s shirt? God, they’re comfy. They’re to die for!
Liana: No, but I have slept in a vintage Bruce Springsteen 1982 tour t-shirt that’s been so perfectly worn-in that the fibers feel like clouds themselves.
Jennifer: I like the way a Turnbull and Asser shirt smells of money.
Liana: I love the way that Musician Bro Concert Tee smells of fame.
Jennifer: I like the way we’re both shallow.