Would you poop in the same house that your partner is in? Because apparently it takes some people a really long time to get to that point in a relationship.
It seems silly because, not to disillusion anybody who failed biology as a kid:
Really. All living creatures poop. If you are dating another human being, you are dating a pooper.
But while we know that to be the case, we generally prefer to keep it private. That’s why Cosmopolitan columnist Helin Jung refuses to poop with her boyfriend in the house.
“I usually go the entire weekend with my bowels frozen in place,” she writes.
And Jung is not alone. One of her friends reported being so unwilling to poop in the vicinity of her boyfriend that she held it in until she looked like she was pregnant and eventually had to get a colonoscopy. She eventually got over it, though, and described being now so laid back that when she was in the shower with a head full of shampoo and her boyfriend ran in and demanded she exit immediately because he was having a bathroom emergency, she told him to just go ahead while she was in the bathroom.
“I had to breathe out of my mouth,” she said. “But honestly, I like that we’re at this point now.”
We guess that point occurs at different times for different couples. One of us has been married for seven years now and said she would have just hopped out of the shower and stood around soapy until the problem went away. While we can understand being relieved that one is no longer holding it so long that colonoscopies are necessary, there is a big difference between pooping at your boyfriend’s place and pooping with your boyfriend. Every adult should know the difference.
Pooping in your partner’s presence is a thing it is perfectly acceptable to avoid forever–barring the bizarre confluences of emergencies that happen from time to time. Certain mysteries are good to keep, and in most cases it is possible to avoid making poop a communal experience. (Thanks to the ubiquity of Starbucks we can pretty much avoid ever having to poop in our office bathrooms where our boss or coworkers could come in at any moment.) But pooping at one’s partner’s place seems pretty much essential if one intends to spend any amount of time there. If you run to Starbucks three times a weekend and come back without coffee, he’s going to realize something is up.
If the idea of pooping with another person in the house who could possibly hear you freaks you out, you might want to consider putting a radio in the bathroom. Just turn it on whenever you go in, and nobody will ever know what you’re doing in there. (Other options include running the faucet or flushing the toilet a few bonus times to cover up any noise, but those waste a lot of water.)