The Portable Masturbation Hut Is Here To Solve All Your Public Sexy Time Problems

Have you ever been sitting on a bench in public with your hand down your pants and everyone around you is like, “Dude, come on?” If not, then you are probably not a sexual predator or a writer for Cosmopolitan. Or perhaps you are simply worried about what other people think of you, which brings me to our new favorite product: the Portable Masturbation Hut.

This fancy schmancy product (the existence of which has not yet been confirmed, because it’s ridiculous) was spotted by Redditor duckcloaca and posted to /r/NotTimAndEric. The copy of the “ad” reads as follows:

How many times have you been at the office, church, or PTA meeting and been reprimanded by a Negative Nancy for taking yourself to Pound Town? Probably more times than your moist fingers can count! Well now you’ll no longer need to sprint to the closet seconds before squirting your jorts thanks to the amazing Portable Masturbation Hut! Simply erect the unit in 18 easy steps, disrobe, and have a friend or coworker zip you into its warm confines. Then start treating yourself by beating yourself! There is no better way to discreetly bring yourself to climax in public than this giant silver box.

While I realize this product is entirely too good (or awful) to be true, if there is anything I have learned from flying without reading material and therefore having to read SkyMall, it is that there are thousands of products that no human being should want or need. Even if this actual one is fake [EDIT: it’s actually a portable sauna, thanks readers!], I would not be totally surprise if there was a thing like this on the market out there somewhere. Plus, there are tons of uses a product like the Portable Masturbation Hut could serve for those of us who are not sexual offenders! Examples:

  • Being able to tighten your bra in public.
  • Switching into a different shirt.
  • Changing your tampon.
  • Putting on a bikini without leaving the beach.
  • Getting sand out of your crotch without leaving the beach and/or scaring people.
  • Changing into your superhero costume!
  • Masturbating in pub–HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

Except maybe just walk to the bathroom and do all those things in private. Or don’t! I’m not a doctor, I can’t give you certified advice on your body. Now, go grab your Portable Masturbation Hut and begone. Skip! Frolic! Play with yourself!

[h/t Reddit]