In the same vein as Ashley’s delightful “Cage Match” feature, today I set forth a very important question: of the three princes  you see above, whom do you prefer? In order to help you make this important decision, I have furnished a few facts about each one.

On the right, we have Prince Rainier III, who ruled the Principality of Monaco from 1949-2005. That’s 55 years, for those of you keeping track. While in power, he made a number of reforms to Monaco’s constitution and helped expand his principality’s economy beyond the gambling, gambling, and more gambling that had previously been its sole source of wealth. But nobody outside Monaco cares about that. What you really need to know is that he married American actress Grace Kelly, who was very talented and pretty. Look at her!

On the left, we have his son, Prince Albert II of Monaco, who is getting married today. He couldn’t marry Grace Kelly, as she is now dead, as well as being his mother. So his dad wins that round. He is, however, marrying Charlene Wittstock, who’s cool too, I guess. So that’s nice. He attended Amherst College, a good enough school, and excels at many rich people sports, including tennis, rowing, sailing, squash, and fencing. He has also competed in the Olympics as a bobsledder(!!!), despite not being Jamaican. He cares about sea creatures, and has journeyed to the North Pole, where he posed for this picture.

The guy in the middle needs to introduction, as he is fucking Prince. He has won seven fucking Grammys. He wrote “Purple Rain,” and a lot of other great songs too. He made a movie about himself, in which he played himself, and it was awesome. His pioneering mixture of rock, funk, soul, R&B, and New Wave has inspired many imitators who are not as good as Prince, but decently good nonetheless. You neither have to be rich to be his girl, nor cool to rule his world. He has not aged visibly since reaching sexual maturity in 1964 at the age of six.

So, who’s it gonna be? CHOOSE WISELY.

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