Hey, ladies: are you feeling vulnerable? Are you a whore primarily because your childhood sucked (thanks, dad!)? Do you wear bathing suits and do shots, all the while wondering where your Prince Charming is and when he’ll be coming to save your helplessly dishonored, desecrated life?

You’re in luck! Hope comes in the form of University of Michigan senior Jeffrey McMahon, who thinks you’re only banging people because your family is far away and you’re being exploited. McMahon recently penned an article for The Michigan Daily entitled “Viewpoint: Commitment Is Fulfillment” in which he described his opinion of “hook-up culture” and how women–whom he unshockingly refers to as “girls”–are the oblivious victims of it.

Apparently, he considers himself some form of an expert in the field of college female psychology because he slept with some people and only dated a couple of them (so, half?):

As an underclassman, if you found me out on a Saturday night, I’d be the one holding a Gatorade bottle full of vodka coming home drunk and trying to remember the name of the girl that I just made out with. I slept with four different women during my first three years on campus and rarely made the claim that any of them were my “girlfriend.” I bought in to all of the hype, but did so without ever reading the fine print. I wasn’t ever told that I would cause a young girl to cry her heart out in front of me while feeling completely numb myself.

I’m sure your “young girl” was sobbing hysterically primarily because of regret upon realizing she’d slept with the world record holder for Most Patronizing Statements In Two Pages Or Less.

However, my real initial thought (which he’d undoubtedly disapprove of): four? I think I drank four types of vodka within my first three days on campus and slept with twice that many people my freshman year. Normally, I wouldn’t state that information outright but now I’m so curious: what does that mean about me, dear Jeffrey? Do tell…

Men, the women on campus are all vulnerable. They’re away from their homes and families and are now in our care. So far we’ve done nothing but put them in harm’s way and exploit them… Each woman on this campus is someone’s princess. Sadly, not all of the young women on campus grew up in a home with parents to look up to. It’s likely that some of them do have a father, but one who might have been absent or even abusive. In this case, we all have the opportunity to be real men.

In addition to generalizing all women about thirty different times, he calls women “princesses.” Okay, first of all, my dad is fucking awesome and has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality (ew, I hate even writing that sentence).

Secondly–and it’s sad that this still needs saying–WOMEN ARE SEXUAL BEINGS. We get pleasure from sex! We do not emotionally implode every time a guy doesn’t call us back! We also do not call back sometimes! Sometimes I do not want people to “get to know my heart,” goddammit.

Third, does he know what a lesbian is? Or is he unaware that not every female is attracted to men?

He also seems to believe his ideology is somehow progressive:

College certainly doesn’t have to be a place to find a husband, but you can still surround yourself with friends who cherish your heart… Women in current culture are becoming more independent and empowered. As women continue to work hard for degrees and careers, it becomes increasingly difficult to consider the idea of marriage. This difficulty is greater when finding a good man means having to sift through all of the boys who prowl around campus. Where will they find security, support and comfort? Without real men to stand up and take on this responsibility, our women are left to find their fulfillment here and there, but ultimately left objectified and used.

Hear that, females? Even though you might’ve gotten into Yale to find the perfect husband, you can still have friends and maybe even a career! Aren’t you just adorable with your wittle big girl caweer? Avoid the prowlers, though!

"Hey princess, we're in SAE."

The whole piece is just a bizarre call on men to somehow rescue us all like we’re Peach and they’re Mario. The sad thing is, I’m sure he’s received praise for his “values.”

I want to go line-by-line so we can collectively guffaw at this idiocy, but I’m afraid I’ve already chewed my bottom lip so angrily already that I will split it open if I keep ranting. If you’d like to read it in its entirety, here it is.

Oh and side note: I just realized me and this dude share friends on Facebook. Goddammit, Internet. You win.

Photos via DeviantArt & Tumblr.