The adventures of the American Girl Dolls guided so many of us through our childhoods. Without their assistance, we might never have learned how to tie a tourniquet, serve petits fours, or buy war bonds. But as we get older and our problems become more adult, it can be hard to know where to turn. Luckily the three OG American Girls are retired now, so they have the time to come help us out once more with some relationship advice. Here, they answer some readers’ questions about love and romance:
Dear American Girl Dolls:
Two guys are interested in me. One is tall and dark and has green eyes and we have a lot in common, but he’s dirt poor, like me. The other one is short and blonde and has a name I can’t possibly imagine calling out during sex, but he’s rich. Which one should I choose?
Kirsten: You should probably pick the one most likely to survive cholera.
Samantha: You should definitely marry the rich boy, and then invite the poor boy over for tea and ice cream all the time to show that you’re not snobby about things and are totally OK with hanging out with the poors. You’ll need a new outfit for it, though.
Molly: You’re thinking too small, Katnip. You need to lean in and live up to your potential. Choosing just one boy is something a girl would do if she were OK with being just good enough. With smarts and dedication, you can easily have both. Why, with a little elbow grease caring for and feeding three people is just as easy as two. You’ll need to get yourself a blonde wig and learn to do a British accent to become Lady Eloise Wembley, who is really into her book club. As Eloise, fall in love with the tall boy. When she is at her “book club,” you will go back to being yourself and fall in love with the short boy. You’ll have them both tending your victory garden in no time.
Dear American Girl Dolls:
My boyfriend and I were together for six years and were supposed to get married. Three months ago we broke up and it was very painful. He said I could keep the ring, but he wants our dog back. He owned the dog before we got together, but I’ve walked the dog every day for the past six years and think of him as my own. I would much rather keep the dog than the ring. What should I do?
Kirsten: You should always keep the dog. Forget the ring; diamonds are no good to anybody. But having a dog will prevent you from having to eat a family member when you’re isolated in a Minnesota blizzard. As a bonus, the dog fur cape you create will be the most chic accessory you will ever own.
Samantha: Give the dog to your boyfriend. Your parents will be so impressed by your noble heart that they will buy you a better dog for Christmas. Then you can walk it in front of your ex’s house and make him and the old dog feel like shit. Make sure to get a Goyard leash; Gucci is tacky.
Molly: You are going to keep the dog! We just need a plan for how you can get it out of there without your ex noticing. I know! We can fake its death. First you will send your ex a box of chocolate as a peace offering, but send it at a time you know your ex is not home. The dog will smell the chocolate through the box and not be able to resist, because dogs are not smart like us. Make sure to send just enough chocolate to stun the dog, not kill it. Your ex will think the dog has died and will bury the dog in a fitting ceremony. Get someone to take your ex out for a sympathy drink, and you should have 15 minutes to dig up the dog and take it home before it wakes up. Dye the dog a different color, and you’re home free.
Dear American Girl Dolls:
I am engaged to a wonderful man, but his parents are super judgmental and hate everything I do. I love him, but I don’t think I can take their criticisms for the rest of my life. What should I do?
Kirsten: If you really love that guy, you should marry him and don’t worry about his parents. Nobody lives past 50 anyway. If the criticism starts to get to you before the cholera gets to them, you should wait until after they have gone to bed and the house is spooky dark. Put on something creepy, like a long white gown, and tie a bunch of lit candles around your head. Creep into his parents’ room and whisper, “Lucy is coming for you” in a creepy sing-song. The next morning, just lay out some cookies and act like nothing happened. They’ll go to stay with your sister-in-law in no time.
Samantha: If people don’t like you, the best solution is to change clothes until they do. Buy a new outfit every week until you find one your in-laws like, and then buy 30 more just like it. Don’t worry about your style getting predictable, because you’ll be able to aceessorize with lots of little purses and spats to keep things interesting.
Molly: If your parents-in-law have time to criticize you, they are clearly not doing enough for the war effort. Be sure to track their activities so you have proof that they aren’t buying war bonds or supporting the Red Cross. Then destroy your own victory garden and tell everyone your husband’s parents did it because they are Axis spies. Report them to the relevant authorities.