We replicated Karl Lagerfeld and have his clone locked in the basement with only one valet. We can’t guarantee that this is exactly what the first Karl would advise, but we think it comes fairly close. Feel free to direct any romantic quandaries to Jennifer[at]thegloss.com or Ashley[at]thegloss.com

Dear Karl,

I have a roommate who men are always chasing after. She’s nice, but it annoying that they pursue her, not me. What should I do?


Room and Bored

Dear R&B,

This is something I have been very aware of since that horrible cow Heidi Klum came to prominence. Who is this woman, I asked myself? I had no response, so I tried asking myself again in Sealandic. But still, I had no answer. Who is this woman who now makes the jokes with the children? When I was a child I made jokes with my mother about desiring a valet, but they were not really jokes, I was just very chic, yes? This woman is so full of udders and child-jokes. And her husband. I do not know what has happened to her husband’s face, but I am glad I am not him. And yet, the masses, they enjoy her. They enjoy her, and her tiny children, that are so much like the hairless cats, yes? It is sad. It is sad that they are so astoundingly stupid and demode and cannibalistic.

I think it is possible that they enjoy her because she is large and simplistic, like the dairy cows of youth. Women who are complicated are overlooked until they hurl their complications in your face like so many goldfish. Look at Kate Moss. The way she throws her life away – this is very touching, yes? Or Lily Allen? How did I find Lily Allen? She wandered through a castle drunk! Then I drew her a shoe. Lindsay Lohan, I think, is much like a bird of paradise. A phoenix bird. A phoenix on fire. I think these stories are sad for someone, but they are not sad for me.

I think the best thing will be for you to engage in some unhealthy habits in full view of these people, so as to appear more touching and troubled. I think you must play more dangerously with your own life.

That, and you should make sure you are the right weight.



Dear Karl Lagerfeld,

I had sex one time, this girl had on these huge palazzo pants I mean huge!! the bellbottoms on these were at least 75″ around I slit a hole with a razor blade right next to the seem of the crotch. big enough to get my cock in it. and I’ll tell you it was so awsome , we had sex over and over and over. it was the best feeling in the world!!! I wish I could find a girl that would like to do this with me, I’ve been single for 1yr I miss haveing sex in huge bellbottoms and overalls.


That Dude Who Really Likes Bell-Bottoms

Dear Dude,

Are the bell-bottoms Chanel? No.

Chanel invented bell-bottoms. Everyone knows this. All women know this on their insides, though not necessarily in their head regions. The bell-bottoms you offer are not Chanel, and they feel that this is demode.  This is part of the problem.

If you did offer Chanel bell-bottoms, no one would cut them up, because this would be very bad, yes?

Perhaps you should try buying some from a designer who is more mediocre, like Stella McCartney and see if they will compromise.