HAHA. No. This will never happen.

HAHA. No. This will never happen.

Hey bitches! Happy almost Valentine’s Day! (I blame those “Upfront with Mari” videos for my overuse of “bitches” as of late.) But seriously, the day of love is almost upon us! Do you have any plans? Some romantic love-making by the fire? A weekend away for just you and your boo in the country? Some massive cuddle fest on a bearskin rug for two days straight while you lap Hershey’s chocolate syrup off each other’s torso with a straight face?

I can promise you that no matter what your plan may be for Valentines’s Day, it will not be involving any of the most romantic cliches out there. It just won’t. I’m sorry. I know that some will find this upsetting and maybe even something to cry over, but that’s just how things go and I don’t know why anyone celebrates Valentine’s Day anyway. I really don’t. But I also don’t like things shaped as hearts unless there’s a dagger through them.

I kid! (No, I don’t this time.)

So, go ahead and tell me I’m wrong on the following cliches. Also tell me how you get from one end of a slab of steak to the other to kiss your love interest. I’m sure some of us would love to take notes.


Photo: Universal Pictures