The phenomenon of hiring a male stripper to celebrate your impending nuptials is a hard one to explain. I, for one, do not quite understand the void that it fills in the life of the soon to be married woman. In fact, if aliens arrived on this planet and the first thing they encountered was a greased up naked man tossing around a group of women, they would probably annihilate the lot of us, for being a superfluous species.

As evidence, I present exhibit A: the photo at the top of this post.

And yet, women continue to enlist oiled up muscle heads to entertain them at bachelorette parties, so clearly I am missing something. I had a strict No Penis Policy at my own bachelorette party, a theme which one of my friends pointed out may have gone too far when we ended up at a strip club with topless ladies dancing around for us early Sunday morning.

But to be honest, female strippers just make more sense to me than male strippers.  They’re (usually) hot ladies who take their clothes off while (mostly) men watch. Men are highly visual beings, and there are actually a surprising number of body types on stage at the strip clubs I’ve been to. At “10s”, the strip club we ended up at this weekend, the hottest dancer was a pixie chic from Brazil with no boobs. But also, female strippers are a sort of unattainable fantasy that patrons are allowed to graze with their fingertips and oggle for small (or large) deposits of cash moneyz.

Male strippers are much different. For starters, I’m sure some women lust after bare chested juice heads. But most don’t. And that is the standard model male stripper that arrives at your door for bacheloretting. In fact, after an unscientific poll of B5 Media’s offices in New York, I would say that scrawny male strippers would fare better if they looked like scrawny bespectacled dudes who asked about our feelings. (To the staff of N+1: I think I just figured out a working business model for you. Call me.)

Simply put, women aren’t as visual about their desires as men are. I think I can prove this with a simple comparison. Men love magazines filled with scantily clad women. This fact has kept Hugh Hefner wandering around a mansion in his pajamas for the last six decades. Women? Not so much. This is probably why Playgirl is a magazine for gay men.

All of that might also explain why male strippers don’t just dance for their patrons. Often times they toss women in the air, rub themselves on their privates and bend them into positions and shapes that resemble terrible yoga poses. If women weren’t paying for the pleasure of such treatment, these things would likely be considered criminal in a court of law.

According to Article Online Directory, here’s what you can expect when hiring a male stripper:

  • Fully choreographed performances
  •  Comedic sketches
  •  Acrobatics
  • Dance routines
  • A diverse group of entertainers
  • Costumes to meet any desire
  • Theatrics

That sounds more like a gay cabaret show than anything involving my sexual fantasies.

And yet, women continue to pay for the pleasure of being swung around by these men before their friends get married. Apparently, it is hilarious. I’ve never seen a live male stripper. All I know is this:

My sister once went to a bachelorette party, and because she was the tiniest girl in attendance, the stripper decided to give her all his attention. Which is kind of fucked up, but whatever. Instead of giving her a lapdance, he proceeded to toss her around the stage and swing her around. He did this so forcefully that he lost his grip at one point. And dropped her on her head.

No, thank you sir. If you really want some comedy to accompany your bachelorette party, I feel like there are easier ways to get it. But here’s what I know about female strippers:

They are so soft. Honestly, I almost regret giving this idea away, but someone needs to create and market a “stripper grade” body lotion STAT. They will make billions of dollars.

Oh, and I may have gotten a lapdance from one at my bachelorette party last weekend.

And we talked about where she’s from (Brazil, duh!) and how long she’s been in this country. Which is probably not what you’re supposed to do with a stripper. But it was still way more fun than hiring a male stripper. In my book.

 Meghan Keane is getting married in October. This column is helping her cope.