sexiest men not alive 2014 640xUpon People Magazine declaring Chris Hemsworth, aka “Thor” and “That Ripped Blonde Guy Who Isn’t Charlie Hunnam,” the Sexiest Man Alive, we began thinking of our own picks for the Sexiest Man Alive of 2014. But there are more men out there than simply the sexiest men alive–there’s also the sexiest men not alive, friends. Just as we did last year, it’s time to discuss the sexiest men in history, in fiction, and in film.

(Related: The 30 Real Sexiest Men Alive Of 2014)

Got any other faves? Let us know in the comments! For now, here are our picks.

1. Sherlock Holmes from Sherlocksherlock-holmes-benedict-cumberbatch sexiest man not alive

We all know how much everybody loves Benedict Cumberbatch (you crazy Cumberbitches, you), but the number one response his fans give to people who don’t find him attractive: “Just watch Sherlock. You’ll get it. I promise.”

2. Mercutio from Romeo + Juliet

harold perrineau sexiest man not aliveThe original character was the only semi-logical one in all of Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, but I’m specifically aiming for the one portrayed by Harold Perrineau in Baz Luhrmann‘s 1996 adaptation. I have never not gotten chills when he screams, “A plague on both your houses,” and I am 100% certain there is no guy on the planet who can pull off a shiny crop top, a white wig, and an open shirt while looking nearly this hot throughout an entire film.

3. Han Solo from Star Wars

han solo sexiest man not aliveEven for a second, do not try to tell me you didn’t find Han Solo hot when you were a kid. Just don’t. I shall know you lie.

4. Sayid Jarrah from Lost

sayid sexiest man not aliveNow, perhaps this is because I loved Lost very much and perhaps this is partially definitely because actor Naveen Andrews is unreasonably good looking and suave and guhhhh, but Sayid was undeniably the most appealing character on that show. Strong, clever, brooding, mysterious–he was a fun one to watch, indeed.

5. Hannibal from Hannibal

hannibal sexiest man not aliveOkay, sure he’s a (not-so-spoiler alert!) murderer, but he’s also a really good chef. If this fellow (portrayed by hot Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen) were to start judging Chopped and Top Chef, their ratings would be even higher than they already are. If he hosted Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives instead of Guy Fieri, people might actually watch.

6. Ders from Workaholics

ders workaholics sexiest man not aliveMaybe it’s my attraction to emotionally unavailable stoners, but I am stupid attracted to Ders. Perhaps his egotism, perhaps it’s how he’s like a foot taller than his friends, but I would date the hell out of Ders (or Anders Holm if he weren’t already married, whatevs).

7. Finnick Odair from The Hunger Games

finnick odair hunger gamesAs per our helpful writer Hayley Hoover:

He’s a cocky jerk with a heart of gold who had so much life left to live! and he cared about women! and he wanted to change the world! and he left us TOO SOON!

RIP, cocky jerk. :(

8. Daryl from The Walking Dead

the-walking-dead-season-4-daryl-michonne sexiest man not aliveThe actor who portrays Daryl, Norman Reedus, was obviously placed in our original list of the real Sexiest Men Alive, but it’s worth a second go-around with the zombie-killing character, too. He’s the most badass character (literally and, here, figuratively) next to Michonne and one of the group who undergoes the most change from start to present. Plus, dude can handle that crossbow.

9. Sheriff Bart from Blazing Saddles

sheriff blazing saddlesMaybe I’m just ridiculously attracted to cowboys or maybe I just love that his outfit predicted how every American Apparel employee now dresses, but Cleavon Little‘s Blazing Saddles character gets me every. freaking. time.

10. Rutherford B. Hayes

rutherford b hayesLook, I won’t pretend I know a ton about the 19th President of the United States, but my wise friend Jen Dziura (of Bullish!) pointed him out in a discussion of the sexiest presidents ever. Just look at that mid-1800s mug.

Now, click to the next page to see our favorite cartoon pick, one seriously sexy suit-wearing murderer, and a literary hottie.

11. Archer from Archer

670px-Archer_Vice_Cover sexiest men not aliveThis probably has a lot to do with my endless love for H. Jon Benjamin, but I also just love any guy–real or fictional–who wears suits pretty much all the time.

12. Kakihara from Ichi the Killer

Kakihara sexiest man not aliveLiterally nobody has ever worn a shimmery suit better than this man, played by the very sexy Tadanobu Asano. All craziness and terrifying behavior aside, dude could rock that iridescence.

13. Dorian Grey from The Picture of Dorian Grey

reeve-carney-red sexiest man not alive dorian greyWhether you love the version of Dorian Grey on Penny Dreadful, 2009’s Dorian Grey, or (obvs) the book, The Picture of Dorian Grey, it’s hard to deny that hanging out with this fellow would involve a whole lot of sexy, sexy times (I believe the word “debauchery” would be most applicable here). Everybody needs at least one of those in their lifetime, so why not make it one designed by Oscar Wilde?

14. Fantastic Mr. Fox from The Fantastic Mr. Fox

fantastic mr fox sexiest man not aliveIf you were a fox, you know you would want to marry a fox voiced by real-life silver fox George Clooney.

15. Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby

the great gatsby sexy coverAll portrayals in film aside, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be insanely attracted to the great Jay.

16. Killface from Frisky Dingo

Welcome-to-youre-doom killface sexiest men not aliveI have mentioned about 100 times that this is my favorite cartoon on the planet and I stand by that. Plus, who doesn’t want a massive ripped slightly effeminate demon to date?

17. Fred Weasley from Harry Potter

Fred_Weasley_1996 sexiest man not aliveWe love you, we miss you, and we are so glad you and you bro were played by actual twins.

18. How Kanye West Views Himself

kanye west gif pop enigma(Via UsVsTh3m)

Is there anybody more attractive than how the man Kanye West’s brain thinks he is…is? Answer: no.

kanye west gif water bottle(Via UsVsTh3m)

And if you think differently, you can just go #BreakTheInternet all over yourself.