“Let me explain, you foreigners: You do not punch Anderson Cooper – you punch Snooki. That’s how we do it here. You keep your dirty hands off our silver fox.” — Jimmy Kimmel, on Anderson Cooper being attacked in Egypt

“There’s a brand of red-velvet cake; her mouth is made of that.” — Russell Brand on kissing Jennifer Garner in their new movie, “Arthur”

“Sex happens faster when you’re having an affair.” Writer Catherine Goldstein, on sex with married men