valentine's day hatred

I understand. I really, truly understand. It sucks to be lonely, it sucks to feel pressured to prove that you love your significant other, it sucks to watch everyone else get flowers and candy when your big plans for the night are going to the laundromat. Hating Valentine’s Day is a totally reasonable thing to do. It’s also boring and lame.

I’m not asking you to come around to the idea that Valentine’s Day is awesome, because it empirically isn’t. I’m just asking that you take the time to think of better reasons to complain about it. Here are 5 overused excuses for V-Day Scroogery that need to die out.

1. It was invented by greeting card companies to make me spend my limited supply of money on useless, heart-shaped crap. That’s probably true, but wasn’t every holiday made up by someone? Like half of what we call Christmas was pretty much marketed to us by Coca-Cola. Thanksgiving was invented by historical revisionists who wanted to fill the genocide-shaped guilt in their stomachs with sweet potato casserole. If you’re going to hate Valentine’s Day because it “isn’t real,” you might as well commit to hating all the rest of our traditions at the same time.

2. It’s so hard to get into restaurants/movies/other typical date places on February 14th. Yawn. The Wolf of Wall Street will still be playing on Saturday. If you’re dying to try that new Thai place, there are 364 other days of the year for you to choose from. And if you’re mad that you have to spend a lot of cash to give your partner a suitable date, check out our guide to going out for cheaper.

3. It’s just another little reminder that I’m going to die alone. It’s really horrible to feel lonely, and I definitely sympathize. But that attitude is also pretty disrespectful to the other people in your life– family members losing their jobs, friends losing loved ones, coworkers going through divorces– who have it worse. Instead of being Eeyore in your Facebook status, buy Valentine’s gifts or cards for the other lonely people you care about. Who says romantic love is the most important kind?

4. My expectations are always so high that I’m inevitably disappointed. Um, if your partner loves you enough to do something sweet for you on a silly holiday so that you don’t feel left out, they deserve some credit for the effort. I don’t know your relationship, of course, and if they’re an ass the rest of the time, that’s a different story– but if you’re disappointed to get a box of candy instead of a trip to Paris, that’s probably on you.

5. It happens during the worst, most depressing part of the year. Yeah, February effing sucks. I’ll let you have that one. But instead of thinking of that as another way Valentine’s Day has betrayed you, consider the fact that the universe planted a happy little holiday in the middle of the wintery shitstorm so you could have something to look forward to. That was so nice of the universe! It wanted you to have discounted candy for your hibernation!

So by all means, continue to hate Valentine’s Day. Nobody is saying you shouldn’t. But when somebody asks you to explain yourself, just do the world a favor and think up a better excuse than these ones.

Photo: Shutterstock