sweet home alabama

Perhaps the most cherished element of this wonderful American holiday that we call Thanksgiving is running into your high school paramour at the dive bar you always suspected your teachers spent too much time at, making out with them in the photobooth, and then taking them home to have familiar, yet matured, intercourse. While you’re doing just great and live on your own in a big city where you can bring your sex partners home and no one’s the wiser, things are a little more difficult when your sex chamber (that’s what I call the bedroom and kitchen) are located in your parents house, with weirdo photos of you with braces on the walls and your father’s slippers always seemingly underfoot.

And so, when the moment comes that you decide you can’t go to his place because his brother is sleeping in his room and you offer up your place, you should follow these instructions to keep yourself from having an awkward encounter with your parents and the kid they knew from when you were in orchestra together.

  1. The first option is to not have sex in your childhood bed and instead do it in a car like a normal, civilized grown up. Just don’t park in your garage with the car running for heat because you may die. Do what you did in high school and park three blocks away from where you live.
  2. If you insist on using your bed, act super normal if you run into a family member while walking inside. Have a prepared line such as “You remember (sex partner’s name) from orchestra? I just ran into him/her tonight! We’re going to go watch our old performance videos and see if we can still play our clarinets.”
  3. Put music on. Maybe even the old recordings of your high school orchestra.
  4. For christ’s sake, be quiet. This is weird, nostalgic, old time high school sex. You don’t need to be screaming all other the place.
  5. Get him or her out before your parents wake up. An awkward run-in at night can sort of be explained away and repressed, but your sex doer running into your mom in her robe while she’s making her morning coffee? No.

Remember to enjoy yourself, be adventurous, and block out the fact that your family is sleeping peacefully in the next room. And try not to look too suspicious when you run into your sex partner’s parents at the grocery store.

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