For some weird reason, The Bachelor is still a real thing that people really watch. While I have admittedly only seen some of the show, I did tune into the finale with my roommate and a few glasses o’ wine because this season has been such a remarkable show of shiz in every single way.
Now, in case you missed it (OBVIOUS SPOILER ALERT BTW), here’s what happened: bachelor Juan Pablo didn’t get all romantic-like and propose to final lady Nikki Ferrell, as is typical terrible Bachelor style. Instead, he just gave her a rose and was all, “LOL you’re cool but nah.” Okay, exact quote:
“I have a ring here in my pocket and I’m not going to use it. I’m not 100 percent sure that I want to propose to you, but at the same time, I’m 100 percent sure that I don’t want to let you go. I like you a lot. So, Nikki, will you accept my final rose?”
I LIKE YOU A LOT. You know who else likes you a lot? Your best friend. Your dog. The guy who regularly works nights at Wegmans which is coincidentally when you feel most comfortable buying three pounds of candy. Those are the people who “like you a lot”–not, as Nikki said to Juan Pablo, someone whom you “can’t imagine spending my life without.”
Anyway, the Twitterverse reacted in the most hilarious of ways, as it does. Here were our favorite tweets on the topic:
Going on The Bachelor and expecting to find lifelong love is like buying a lottery ticket and calling that your retirement plan.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) March 11, 2014
Didn’t really watch The Bachelor this season, did he pick the blah blah blah “bombshell” or the so and so “with a heart of gold?” — Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) March 11, 2014
Nailed it and didn’t even watch the show!
— Glamour (@glamourmag) March 11, 2014
How sad is it that America is more shocked by The Bachelor finale than AN ENTIRE AIRLINER DISAPPEARING?
— Karen W (@kdub10s) March 11, 2014
Ugh, true and so depressing.
People upset by the results on the show “The Bachelor” should have to reapply for their drivers license.
— Spike (@loudspike) March 11, 2014
To everyone complaining about #TheBachelorFinale being the worst ever: YOU WERE WATCHING THE BACHELOR.
— Melissa Markel (@Iamthemelissa) March 11, 2014
Let’s be honest. “The Bachelor” has the same winner every season and it’s “rape culture.” — Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) March 11, 2014
Not so much funny, but definitely interesting. Also, dude’s a writer for The Mindy Project, so this is just another reminder of why TMP is one of our favorite f’ing shows.
Somewhere, Jake Pavelka is smiling knowing that he’s not the most hated #bachelor of all time any longer
— The Ashley (@TheAshleysRR) March 11, 2014
Fact: You actually win The Bachelor if you don’t get picked by Juan Pablo.
— Kelly Levy (@KellsLevy) March 11, 2014
OH MY GOD. YOU CAN SPOIL LAST NIGHT’S BACHELOR. IT’S THE BACHELOR. — LW (@lindseyweber) March 11, 2014
Okay this basically sums up how we feel about spoilers for reality TV shows forever.
Juan Pablo looks like the kind of guy who’d blow his nose on your wedding dress.
— KC Masterpiece (@KrissyMystery) March 11, 2014
Oh, but if you’re still craving a shot at being on The Bachelor, perhaps it is time for you to change yourself entirely (or not at all, perhaps) so you can hop on that road. And if you do manage to get on, please, be our own personal mole to the show.