Recently, we shared with you some handy do’s and don’ts of posting about your impending nuptials on Facebook (i.e.: Do: Post a handful of carefully selected photos of the proposal… Don’t: Post every photo that your fiance’s friend took with his crappy digital camera.)

Well, now you’re married. Congrats! But now, you also need some guidelines on how to behave as a newly married couple on Facebook. And so here you go (you’re welcome):

Do
Like and/or comment on your husband or wife’s posts. You’re friends. You can do that.

Don’t
Drool over the hilarity of something your spouse said as if it were your firstborn cracking jokes at his debut open-mike night.

Do
Take care of your spouse when they’re sick.

Don’t
Post about taking care of your sick spouse on Facebook. Ever. There’s no context in which that works. Don’t do it.

Do
Stay in the social loop. In addition to lol-ing over your spouse’s witticisms, also comment on your friends’ brilliant ramblings.

Don’t
Bring up your spouse in every comment you make (“John said the same thing last night!” “Betty would think this is so funny, I’m going to tag her”).

Do
Show your single buddies the Facebook pages of your new spouse’s friends that they might be interested in — if and only if they ask you to.

Don’t
Play unsolicited matchmaker via Facebook, claiming that since you’re so happy now, you want all your friends to be that happy too. In fact, never say the words “now that I’m so happy,” followed by an expression of desire for other people to experience the same euphoria that you claim is your marriage.

Also don’t…
Show people pages of your spouse’s single friends so that you can do super fun double dates, during which you smugly enjoy the fact that you don’t have to go through the hell of the blind first date that you’re putting your friend through ever again (or so you think).

Do
Text or call your partner to tell them you love them, or that you’re excited to see them when you get home.

Don’t
Post about how excited you are to see your “husband” or “wife.” As in, “can’t wait to see you at home, husband!” (Yes. I have seen people do this.)

Do
Discuss the mundane details of your life together while at home, or over the phone, or via email.

Don’t
Have boring conversations publicly (like…on Facebook), only to later comment on how boring your conversations are now that you’re maaa-rrried. (I.e.: What should we have for dinner? [Banter ensues]. OMG we’re so boring now that we’re married! (smuggity smug smug).”)

Do
Vent your feelings to one another during normal marital discord.

Don’t
Talk about your marital spats on Facebook.

Extra special don’t…
Conduct your marital spats on Facebook.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that there’s a theme emerging, and that theme is a little thing I like to call “privacy.” Not privacy, as in, Facebook is ruining  privacy as we know it. Privacy, as in, some things are better kept private because no ones give a fuck. Those things include your mundane daily life, your smug feeling of contendedness now that the rest of your life is spoken for, and your gushy, mushy, baby-talk love for one another. Basically, use the same filter when addressing your 300 Facebook friends online that you would if they were all in an auditorium in front of you, be conisderate of your real friends’ feelings, and check your smug at the door.