Over at Time, staff contributors explain the five kinds of modern marriage that Pamela Haag writes about in her new book, “Marriage Confidential.”

The book examines what marriage means today, the ways it has evolved since the last century, and how it might keep evolving in the future.

The types of unions described at Time all seem pretty miserable, which is kind of odd, and we think that there are likely other types of marriages that are…well, pleasant to be in. Either way, we thought it might be fun — and certainly less threatening! — to paraphrase Haag’s so-called modern marriages using muppets, so here you go: