I take flagrant exception to Jessica Pauline Ogilvie’s piece “Before It’s Too Late, I’d Like to Point Out That Soccer Players Are Really Hot” as the kind of regressive, 1950s rot that is destroying gender relations today. What, male soccer players can’t have ambitions beyond being your pin-up guy? What about their dreams? What about their feelings?

If I singled out a profession and extolled the hotness of its practitioners, I would be burned alive for such overt sexism. But women get a free pass to ogle at soccer players because they are being exploited by the likes of Vanity Fair? For shame.

Moreover, the fantasy isn’t even close to true. Let’s start local. The idea that these soccer players all unsullied by our North American medias and internets would be sweeter to you or more romantic than our uber-pampered athletes is frankly hurtful. Sure, American athletes may have too many neck-tats, but that doesn’t mean that they would love you any less. Did you see the $4 million adultery ring that Kobe bought his wife?! It’s enormous!

Let’s also look at where a lot of these mysterious foreign soccer players you speak of are from. Europe. Dude, it’s EUROPE! It is tres salir over there. That continent has been ravaged by plagues for millennia now! And European footballers are essentially allotted a state-sponsored mistress! Team coaches intravenously shoot cornstarch into their players’ bloodstreams so the players don’t miss practice because of syphilis!

Likewise, you think South America has a great football tradition? Sure, Brazil is perennially dominant, but countless South American games have ended in riots where scores of people and players alike have died! Look it up on Wikipedia. Any woman who thinks the sports-obsessed American male has a disorder ought to go to Argentina where meat isn’t the only thing set afire at a soccer game.

But I digress. Ultimately, if you’re going to wax quixotic about soccer players, at least be patriotic about it. Don’t rule out the American soccer players. They are the unrecognized national dreamers (ask nearly anyone to name three players on the U.S. World Cup team and wait). They are the ones who are vying for your attention and affection. They are the ones who will bring you flowers or at least a Taco Bell value meal. Give them a shot.

The World Cup is about being patriotic. Unless you’ve been given a choice of person to be reincarnated as. In which case, pick a European footballer.