I feel like every column begins with me making an uncomfortable joke about how long it’s been since the last one, like “Ha ha! Sorry! I’ve been in a k-hole for two weeks!” or “You can’t just crank out gold when you’re fucked up on quaaludes, sluts!” or “I’m desperately lonely.” Anyway, all of that’s true. Mixing Special K and quaaludes is awesome.
So. Every now and again when I’m actually aware of events in the outside world, I devote a few seconds of attention to the details and then I let my imagination fill in the blanks because if I know too much I might not have the pleasure of being outraged. Anyway, this whole Anthony Weiner thing happened and here’s what I know: the misshapen kid from Saved By The Bell went into politics and married way, way out of his league, but this made him upset about inequality so he started looking for some really immoral slampieces in order to preserve the universe’s balance (politicians care a lot about justice and this was his way of enacting justice on his day to day life). In this way, he is a martyr. For dick pics.
That’s about all I know. Screech’s wife was too super hot for him so he struck up a really gross Facebook flirtation with some lady who didn’t mind his supremely weird pecs. But then he got caught. If you’re like this Schreech fellow and want to send out dick pics on the DL–but you want to do it better and maybe even without getting caught–here are some good tips:
1. Wash your dick.
Nobody likes a dirty dick.
2. Think about the space around your dick
Your dick only occupies 10% (at best) of your dick pic and thus, the rest (ie, the bulk) of the compisition should not be an afterthought. Think about the tableau of the dick pick: what’s around you? What kind of mood are you trying to achieve in your dick pic? If your present state is one of aggression, consider snapping your dick pic amonst the alienating confines of a lumber yard or Home Depot. Is your dick pic elegant and tasteful? Consider draping a deep red curtain across your office doorway such that your dick pic is rife with drama, even baroque.
Also. Remember the rule of thirds. Look at the photo below: a rock penis has been cropped to demonstrate the rule of thirds. Look at the rock penis. It is a penis made of rock.
3. Don’t put your face in the photos.
At this point, if you’re taking nude shots and your face is in them, you just look like you don’t understand the internet. Which is sad. It’s 2011. You should know basic html and be able to take a flattering cameraphone shot of your cock.
4. No skanks.
Let’s put it this way: the kind of woman who knows you have a wife and tells you in a Facebook chat that she can’t wait to “sit on your cock” is also the kind of woman who’ll happily sit on the National Enquirer‘s cock when they show up offering sums of money in exchange for screenshots and chatlogs. You don’t want that kind of woman. She has newsprint in her vagina. Imagine fucking someone and a papaazzi photo of Katie Holmes falling out. That would be weird.
5. Be self-aware
Women probably don’t want your dick pics. If they express gratitude, they’re probably just being polite. All women know that dicks are hilarious-looking and thus, when you send us photos of your precisely-manicured scrotum and engorged member, we don’t leap up and run to the nearest broom closet so we can masturbate out our ectascy. No, we mostly find it funny-looking. The dick is like a curious little dolphin darting about the ocean looking for mackeral or pussy or whatever. Plankton? It’s not really hot in and of itself.
6. It should be hard
I mean, obviously. As unphotogenic the dick is in general, a limp dick is the ineffectual, floppy height of comedy.
7. Don’t send dick pics
It’s pretty stupid.
So, yeah. To wrap it up, follow all of these rules closely: after you’ve soaped your dick and chosen a recipient who values privacy and respects you as a person, after you’ve composed your dick pic with much thoughtfulness, after you’ve gotten hard and cautiously eliminated any indication of your identity from the shot, get everything just so and then calmly turn off the camera. Your dick is probably funny-looking and you have a wife. It’s actually a more constructive use of your time to judge strangers on the internet than try to snap a respectable, arousing dick pic.
And believe me, because I was once the recipient of a dick pic. When I was a teenager, I was pretty attracted to this guy because he paid attention to me that didn’t involve spitting. I thought he was really great and then one day we were chatting on AIM and he sent me a link to a photoset of his hard, distractingly tanned penis. If that sort of shit happened now, he’d get a permament X, because he basically just confirmed his unbearably vanity. But back then, when I was a teenager, I just looked at and kind of arched my nose and wondered if they were all so veiny. To this day, when I think of that guy, I think about his tan, veiny dick.
Don’t be tan, veiny dick guy. Nobody likes that guy.