The Misanthropologist is ailing today and thus the last thing I want to think about is sex. When your throat hurts and your nose is runny and even your fucking eye sockets feel sore, you usually don’t want to get naked around another person.

Then I was like, wait. This is the internet.

If there’s one thing the internet (and particularly, sex on the internet) has taught me, it’s that there’s a fetish for everything. You name it: diapers, feet, tentacle rape, beloved cartoon characters going down on each other, people being swallowed alive by giant snakes, bodily fluids, sober missionary sex with a person you care for… basically, if you can dream it up, someone somewhere is getting off to it.

Which is why I was pretty disappointed when my Google search of “flu fetish” turned up empty, excepting a misleadingly named forum or two. Well, and this account of a sexy sneezing Thai lady on a plane.

Searching the comparatively broad “cold fetish,” turned up less what I was looking for and more: “Is this a weird fetish if you love to see a woman in a leather jacket (or coat) drinking a nice cold glass of milk?” and “Everytime someone coughs (especially if it’s a women) my p*nis gets harder and sometimes it even escalates into a full blown boner.” Both of these richly imagined inquiries are benefiting of their own columns when I have more patience and vitriol.

So then I realized I was in the unique position to create a fetish. At least, on the internet. But, in the absence of available coughing/sneezing/sniffling smut, I was like… what to do?

Lonely FLDS peen to the rescue!

Because aspiring masturbators of the Mormon pursuasion can’t creep on naked chicks, they invented bubbling, the act of taking an image of a woman (usually scantily clad-ish in a bathing suit) and “bubbling” out her clothing, such that she looks naked behind the strategically placed circles (see countless examples here).

So… since I’m sick (probably drunk also), here’s today’s Misanthropologist:

What? Fuck you.