Dear readers, this time every year we run a column by the beloved, mysteriously departed Elizabeth Richard AKA The Misanthropologist, in which she lists off all the things for which she’s thankful (ostensibly). We are still very fond of this post (and we are eating right now) so we thought we’d bring it back for you.
I don’t even know how I’m writing this. I am so ready to drink. All I can think about is drinking. But I still have to write some shit for this column so I’m hopping on the lazy blogger bandwagon and just submitting a list of shit I’m thankful for.
1. The Last of the Mohicans. I’ve never seen this movie, but from the box I assume it’s about Thanksgiving. I don’t know much about Thanksgiving, either, but isn’t it a celebration of how when Native Americans have kids with Pilgrims they produce super hot kids who look like Daniel Day Lewis? So yeah, I’m thankful for it because I feel like if I ever get around to watching The Last of the Mohicans, it will teach me about Thanksgiving.
2. The theme from The Last of the Mohicans. Now that I know really well. I play it whenever I try to have sex with people.
3. The theme from Jurassic Park. It makes me feel like my life isn’t so small and useless.
4. The first few hours in the morning when you’re really able to just yell at strangers and not think about the consequences.
5. When grocery stores demo new items and have those little sample trays out: you can just stand there eating them one by one and if you stare really intensely at the guy giving out the samples and your eye contact never wavers, he won’t do anything, he’ll just look back at you silently because you’ve seen inside of him and he is an imposter.
…Fuck. I’ve already run out of ideas. I’m not a very appreciative person. Here’s a list of things I’m definitely not thankful for.
1. Smoking when you have the hiccups.
2. Ballpark nacho cheese
3. Children on airplanes/the subway/buses/nice restaurants
5. Public restrooms
6. The way only one side of my headphones work
8. Having to pretend that I like foreign films
9. Basically everyone I’ve ever dated
11. Why isn’t Pop Up Video still on television?!
12. The guy from Maroon 5
13. The smell of old people
14. The smell of old peoples’ houses
15. Eat Pray Love
16. Melted cheese that has come to room temperature slightly
17. The word “turgid”
18. Pudding skin
19. Self-help books
20. Religious Studies majors
21. People who blame “the media”
22. People with @hotmail.com addresses
22. The Ivy League
23. Belly buttons or feet
24. People who use “penultimate” wrong
25. Guy Fieri
25 and 1/2. Emeril Lagasse
26. People who take pictures of paintings with their phones at museums
27. People who keep telling me if I stop buying coffee every day, I’ll save like $20k a year. They are liars.
29. Why does Donald Duck wear a shirt but no pants?
30. People who want you to hear their band
31. The Hard Rock Cafe
32. People who put on make-up while driving
33. Vitamin D milk
34. Lip gloss
35. Los Angeles
36. People who drive
37. People who spend two weeks in Venice and then won’t stop beginning sentences with, “In Italy…” and talking about how they “lived” in Italy.
38. People who go to foreign countries to find themselves.
39. Every single cover of Life & Style magazine of all time
41. John Mayer
42. Square toed anything
43. Night terrors
44. People who are rude to waiters
45. Kings of Leon
46. College students who have posters of Starry Night on their walls
47. People who don’t tell you when you have food in your teeth or when your skirt is caught in your tights or when your make-up is all over your face
48. False hope
49. People who phrase a request “Can I borrow your food/a cigarette/a tampon” when they are not going to borrow it, they are in fact taking it. Forever
50. People who smugly declare “I don’t own a television.”
51. Taylor Swift
54. WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE GLEE?
55. Reality television show contestants who blame “the editing”
56. Reality television
57. How is Kid Rock still famous?!
58. People who pronounce it “Tar-jzhay”
59. People who post about their political beliefs on your Facebook wall or change their relationship status for the drama
61. Celebrities who get nose jobs and cite “breathing problems” or “deviated septums”
62. People with “diabetes”
63. TORY BURCH
64. Youtube commenters
65. People who want your signature and so ask loaded questions like, “Do you have a minute for endangered species/gay rights/neglected children”?
66. White people who complain about being oppressed. Ever.
67. Rich people who complain about being oppressed. Ever.
68. People who leave voicemail
72. Guys who can’t grow facial hair growing facial hair
73. Cyclists who think they have the right of way
74. People talking to me
75. Spiderman on Broadway
76. White people who bitch about gentrification
77. People ordering lattes “half caf,” “extra foam,” etc AT STARBUCKS. It all tastes like shit equally.
79. Sour cream, mayonaisse, thousand island dressing, ranch dressing
80. White people with Kanji tattoos
81. Rich white people who claim they are Buddhists
82. How hard it is to feed cats to ATMs
83. Perez Hilton
84. Audrina Patridge
85. Child beauty pageants
86. People who let their dogs cut you off as you’re walking
87. People who brag about their iPhones
88. People who go to clubs
89. Kim Kardashian. All the Kardashians.
90. Taylor Swift again
91. Miley Cyrus
93. Fred Durst being alive
94. People who suck food off their fingers when eating with their hands
95. People who talk loudly in confined public spaces like subway cars and elevators
96. Paper cuts
97. Razor scooters
98. People who have ferrets
99. Lacking ambition
…Fuck the holidays. See you when this hangover subsides.