I wanted to entitle this piece, “We Be Vibin’: Things To Do With Your Couples Vibrator If No One Will Fuck You,” but that struck me as wordy.

Anyway, no one will fuck me. Which is why I took it as kind of a devastating blow when the usually nice people at WeVibe (don’t click that, it’s a goddamn vibrator site) sent The Gloss a WeVibe and The Gloss ladies–possessed of a cruel and vociferous wit all–forwarded it along to me (Ed. Note: They sent a couple, and you can get your mitts on one by entering our giveaway).

If you’re unfamiliar with the WeVibe, it works like this: one end of it goes on top of a dick while simultaneously inside a vagina. The other end–which looks unsettlingly like a face–stimulates the clitoris (for a brief graphic instructional on how this works, Crushable’s Drew Grant and The Gloss’ Ashley Cardiff made a crude drawing).

So, at first I was like, “Why did they send me a purple vibrating silicone newt?”

And then I was like, “Ooooh. It’s an axolotl.”

And then I read the packaging and realized that the people at WeVibe were suggesting I put their purple vibrating silicone Axolotl inside of me. (Sexolotl?)

Then I realized I was drunk, so I took a cold shower and walked around the block and came back and actually read the box and saw that the WeVibe is intended for “couples” and “solo” play. But let’s be honest: you wouldn’t want to stick this thing inside of you while you’re alone, would you? It looks like a goddamn salamander.

Anyway, at last I deduced they were mocking me. The Gloss or WeVibe, I’m none too sure. But I decided to show them all by taking my new WeVibe and hanging out with it in various cool and unexpected ways. Because I’m equally petty and resourceful.

Fuck you.

(Reminder: get yourself a “cunt salamander” by offering your creative suggestions for what to do with it)

[ITPGallery]