Not too long ago I was performing the act of fellatio or, less eloquently, I was giving head. I had given oral to this particular person several times, and there had never been a problem. However, during this one particular incident there was a mild issue: his cum. Yes, his cum, his man juice, semen, ejaculation, whatever one wants to call it was absolutely foul and rancid. I was shocked; this had never ever been an issue. To quote Samantha from Sex and the City, “it’s never been a trip to Baskin Robbins,” but this particular, er, flavor was one for the record books. Having the type of relationship I have with this person, one of open communication and any chance to ridicule each other, I told him. When I did, a realization was made: asparagus. Specifically, he had eaten it at dinner. Needless to say, I teased him relentlessly and dubbed him “Asparagus Boy” for the next several days, then took my questions to friends and Google. Obviously, I was not alone in my predicament, but however, you can learn from my mistake – don’t let what befell me that evening, befall you too.

It’s simple math, really – what goes in, must come out in some form or another. So here are the top five foods you don’t want to follow in the bedroom:

  1. Asparagus. Think about what this delicious green veggie does to your urine. I know the first time I ate asparagus, I thought I was dying or had contracted some sort of STD. I was still a virgin at the time, but the episode was so scarring that it forced me to book my first appointment at Planned Parenthood to see what was going on down there. It wasn’t until a couple years later after a joke my aunt made at a dinner party that I learned I was not alone in my asparagus-related bathroom incident.
  2. Garlic. Oh, the scent of raw garlic literally makes my mouth water, but when I smell it coming out of someone who’s dabbled in garlic overkill, it makes me cringe, wince and damn the garlic gods. Garlic smells completely different on the way in, than it does on the way out. Whether it’s coming out of your mouth, your pores or your lover’s cock, it’s a bad news bears situation – that being said Korean, (kimchi!) and Italian restaurants are places to avoid before engaging in the hot and heavy blowjob action.
  3. Cabbage (and its family members). I think all we have to say is “Brussels Sprouts” here and so much can be read between the lines. However, cabbage, broccoli and other greeneries in this family, although paramount in their cancer-fighting abilities, are bitter on the taste buds. Think of this way: bitter in, bitter out.
  4. Alcohol. I had always been under the assumption that alcohol made everything sweeter, including semen; but I guess that’s some urban legend type shit to get women to go down on drunk men. According to research, alcohol, as well as other life’s necessity, coffee, wreck havoc on the body, and a nasty tasting semen is the result. Sure, alcohol can help you let loose and waltz up to the cute guy at the end of the bar, but just keep in mind home many of those Jamesons he’s been downing, before you go down.
  5. Protein. Meals that are high in protein produce one vile mouthful of not-so-much fun. In case you didn’t know, semen is already high in protein, so to add to that level of an already well-established amount of protein is the recipe for not such an appetizing sex life.

Other things that contribute to questionable tasting semen that don’t fall under the food category: smoking, recreational drugs, lack of exercise, poor hygiene (obviously) and dehydration. On the other hand, there are some things that can make semen taste good, or at the very least, bearable: juice, fruit, water (a thoroughly hydrated body is happy on all ends), lemon, herbal teas, and spices like cinnamon and peppermint.

While with all things in life, taste is subjective and one woman’s idea of yummy is another’s nightmare realized, these are just a few things you may want to consider before giving out the oral love. But no matter what, trust me on the asparagus – seriously.