woman shouting in mans ear stock photo

For starters, stop unhinging your jaw and making his face melt. Jeez. Cool it.

If there’s one thing women love more than getting married (OMFG weddings!), it’s ruining marriages. In fact, studies* have shown that women cause nearly all divorces.

Now, you may think you know why–and, yes, usual suspects like nagging and getting fat rank high on endless lists of things women do that cause divorce–but they aren’t all so obvious and sitcom trope-y.

So, without further ado, here is our attempt at cobbling together a definitive list of things women do that cause divorce, based on various pieces of hard science from around the internet.

Not having enough sex
Not initiating sex enough
Not being hot (/enough)
Not being as hot as other women
Not looking like a sexy baby
Being vain
Thinking you deserve anything
Talking to him
Talking at all really
Not modulating your voice (so he hears it differently)
Not talking like a sexy baby
Modulating your voice too much
Being affected
Not putting enough emphasis on staying married
Not putting enough pressure on yourself
Eating too much gluten
Not wanting to have sex because you are eating presently
Not being/forgetting to be his girlfriend
Not being his sidepiece
Not being mistress-y enough
Being a “stereotypical wife”
Dressing like a wife
Saying no to sex sometimes
Saying no to sex ever
Not being an eager fuckhole 24/7
Being boring
Letting yourself go
Eating any of these foods
Gaining anywhere between 5-20 lbs.
Gaining more than 10 lbs.
Getting fat
Being fat already
Being obsessed with your weight
Wanting to start a family
Being frigid
Getting pregnant
Being pregnant
Not wanting to have sex because you’re currently pregnant
Gaining baby weight
Not losing the baby weight
Becoming obsessed with losing the baby weight
Failing to “keep it tight”
Not having a sense of humor about it
Not being able to take a joke
Not being able to take a joke, Fatty
Not wanting to have sex because you’re humorless
Spousal abuse (er, “trust issues”)
Wearing flannel pajamas to bed
Wearing pajamas
Wearing sweatpants
Comfortable sleepwear (miscellaneous)
Not buying enough sexy lingerie
Shopping too much
Spending frivolously
Not treating yourself
Worrying too much about his needs
Being stressed out all the time
Getting wrinkles from stress
Getting wrinkles
Being stressed about trying to be everything all the time
Being stressed from reading about how divorce is your fault
Not wanting to have sex because you’re stressed
Neglecting your own needs and desires
Being too accommodating 
Asking for foot massages
Not giving enough foot massages
Going on and on about your day
Not being open about your feelings
Establishing open lines of communication
Not wanting to have sex because you’re talking
Being self-obsessed
Smothering him
Not honoring him
Not obeying him
Not showing him enough respect
Not putting him before the kids
Neglecting your personal stock
Not focusing on your career
Neglecting him for your career
Your complete lack of an identity 
Being needy
Being independent
Being successful
Having friends
Confiding in your friends about whatever
Not trusting him
Being complacent
Trying to control him
Not asserting yourself
Just plum not enough delegating
Not being nice to the in-laws
Letting his in-laws push you around
Not being nice to his mother
Not wanting to have sex because you hate his mother
Making him spend time with your parents
Always insisting you’re right
Not having a backbone
Avoiding physical pain (?)
Constantly belittling him
Always being the victim
Forgetting to cherish him
Not wanting to have sex because you’re cherishing him
Always focusing on what’s wrong

(Photo via Shutterstock)

*Just trust us